Acclaimed singer/songwriter and Nobel laureate Eric Clapton opened his famous song “Change The World“, which he wrote for his son, with these lyrics:
If I could reach the stars, pull one down for you, shine it on my heart, so you could see the truth. That this love I have inside, is everything it seems…”
Any parent looking into the eyes of their babies for the first time understands what Clapton meant. I certainly did, when I saw the faces of each of my two sons for the first time over a decade ago.
Come Father’s Day next Sunday, I’ll be celebrating 15 years of parenthood I wouldn’t trade for the world, other than wishing it had happened sooner or I had more than two kids.
Still, I’m in a sweet spot now. I’ve not been a father for so long I’ve forgotten what it was like parenting babies and preschoolers. Simultaneously, 15 years isn’t so short I’m clueless about what to do.
At least most of the time.
Dwindling TFR
Yet time is no longer on our side as a nation, as we see the beginnings of a serious population decline that appears irreversible.
When the announcement was made in Parliament earlier this year that our country’s total fertility rate (TFR) fell to a historic low of 0.97 in 2023, I became convinced government policies alone aren’t enough to resolve this existential crisis.
After all, despite implementing a smorgasbord of family-friendly policies over the years, from more baby bonuses to increased childcare leave for both moms and dads, our government’s valiant efforts have not borne much fruit, as the TFR slide continues unabated.
While government policies to curb population growth typically succeed (think Singapore and China in the 70’s and 80’s), the converse to spur population growth has almost never (think South Korea and Italy in the past decade).
I believe that government policies aside, changes to our culture, and the current narratives to promote the value of children, parenting, and families in society, are what will tip the balance in the long term.
If we want to reverse the drop in our TFR.
We need to embrace anew what our forebears would assume to be foregone conclusions during their time: the more (children families have), the merrier.
We need to share not just the joys of family and parenting; we need to start waxing lyrical about it!
And stay home dads can take the lead.
Starting with Stay Home Dads
Fathers, especially stay home dads, need to start sharing the joys of parenting to a whole new generation of young people who have heard mostly the opposite.
I say this not because mothers don’t share. Mothers share plenty and society is blessed to have their voices lend credence to the rewards of parenting.
However, men who traditionally are seen by society as the silent breadwinners, often forge careers far and away from home.
We are the ones who must now step up to the plate as well.
More fathers need to join our voices with mothers, and regale society with stories of the joys of parenting.
Especially stay home dads, who arguably have the most contact time with their kids compared to traditional breadwinner dads.
The Voices Of Stay Home Dads
Since March last year, I’ve been blessed to be plugged into a community of fellow fathers (mostly in their 30s and 40s, and a handful like me in the 50s) who share a common goal of prioritising parenting over career and individual pursuits.
Many of us are either full or part-time stay home dads. While there’s little doubt each of us often talks about the challenges and frustrations of being caregivers to our children, we also share the thrills and joys of watching them grow day after day.
Not forgetting those special moments that just put a smile on our faces.
Moments that may seem ordinary and fleeting. Yet they allow us to behold the simple joys of parenting and life, and afford us the ability to power through challenging days with happiness, hope, and optimism.
Cheering an Unhappy Nation
According to the results of a survey conducted by the NUS Business School and released in January this year, many have become less happy over the past decade. Except those who embrace family and traditions.
The 2022 Quality of Life Survey also found that people who prioritise material possessions and the finer things were the most unhappy.
It certainly sounds like we are a country badly in need of cheering up! And based on that survey, it would seem those who embrace family and tradition are just the voices we need to hear.
I strongly believe more fathers need to embrace their critical roles as co-parents with their wives. We should start to share more openly and frequently, the joys that come with being actively involved in raising their children.
According to one stay home dad in my community, even frustrating moments can be joyful so long as we remember they are fleeting. He shared this with us recently:
A short reel I saw on Facebook changed my perspective. The narrator acknowledged the chaos and frustration of being with young children who are disobedient, fighting, melting down, etc. But in 20, 30, 40 years, if you could take a time machine back to today, how much would you pay for that?! I would happily give up everything to do so. Previously, I would be incredibly stressed when my daughters were fighting, melting down, or shouting in the car. Now, it’s like music to my ears; I am enjoying the present moment of their growing up.
A Universe of Possibilities
In every one of such anecdotes (and there are many in my community of dads) lies a transcendent moment that’s the very essence of learning, growth, change, and joy for parents.
It is in such tiny moments that our lives are truly lived.
I hope all dads, especially stay home dads, will joyfully and regularly share these moments with society. And to do so intentionally.
We need to script a new narrative. One that celebrates fatherhood and all the love and wonder it promises. All it takes is for us to be present for our families. To witness and hold fast to all the special tender moments where we as dads experience growth and transcendence.
I would end off here where many dads like me began. That first time we laid eyes on our kids. The instant flood of feelings and future possibilities that moment held for us.
A friend of mine who became a dad for the first time last month said the following words to me after he first laid eyes on his baby boy:
Bro, we are over the moon! My son is just so beautiful. Today we completed our first full day with him. Falling in love all over again. Sigh. I love just looking into his eyes. Little crystal windows to a universe of possibilities.
To him and all my fellow dads and our many “universes of possibilities”, let’s wax lyrical like Eric Clapton about parenting, and in doing so “change the world”.
Happy Father’s Day!
