Yes indeed! Three days ago I finished recording a podcast episode that’ll be publicly released close to Father’s Day in June. I found myself amazed that over some 35 minutes, much ground on this topic of how to be a good father was covered. Because anytime the topic is on parenting, there’s usually a million and one things to say.
And not much time to say them in!
When I started this two-parter blog post last week, I mentioned that I had expressed initial scepticism to talk publicly about a topic that was so broad, not to mention a little contentious. Anytime the word ‘good’ is prefixed to a person or persona, it simply screams WHAT?! After all, ‘good’, like other similar adjectives such as ‘nice’ and ‘fine’, is a minefield of vagaries just waiting to explode!
Still, after the initial hesitation, I realised that maybe precisely because it’s such a flying carpet of a topic, it’s time someone tries to pin that carpet back down to solid ground. Not saying I’m the best placed to do that (I do have a certain fear of heights!), but I thought maybe I should at least take a stab at it.
As the saying goes, nothing ventured nothing gained.
Thankfully, the recording on Wednesday turned out better than I had hoped, even though it started off unsteady!
Let me explain.
A Sleepy Father Talks About Fathering Well? Seriously?
I didn’t tell my podcast hosts that morning, but I actually slept badly the night before.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Was I having a bad case of stage fright? Second thoughts about recording that kept me up all night?
Neither.
I’ve been staying with my in-laws since middle of last month. A short-term arrangement while my new house is undergoing renovation. Unfortunately, the mattress they loan me is too soft and the bedroom window faces a busy expressway. So getting a good night’s sleep is like an acquired taste in my temporary abode.
Walking into the recording studio that morning, I was honestly unsure if I could be fully present and lucid enough to answer the questions!
Still, I had come this far and didn’t want to let my hosts and their listeners down, so I downed a strong cup of coffee, splashed lots of cold water on my face, and marched into the recording studio with my head held high in mock confidence!
Plus, this was an opportunity for me not just to remind fellow fathers the “do’s” of a good father (which I shared in last week’s post), but also the “don’t’s” of a good father. Due to time constraint and the flow of the conversation during the recording that morning, I must confess the don’t’s weren’t quite explicitly stated.
If they were however, they would sound a bit like the remaining section of this blog post. (And once more, to make it easier to remember, each “don’t” is arranged here according to the first three letters of the alphabet)
The “Don’ts” Of A Good Father
Avoid Engaging
Fathers aren’t typically viewed as the talker in the family. Most come across as stoic, serious, silent and disengaged when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Not to say they aren’t interested in relating to their families. It just seems more the purview of moms to talk and engage.
Well, I’m here to encourage all fathers to buck the trend because we can. Our wives and children need us to engage them daily and in as many different ways as possible. Yes, I’ve heard it said that guys are more the doers than the talkers. Unfortunately, such a stereotype isn’t helpful and I’m here to tell you that if that’s been your notion of fathers, end it. NOW!
For avoiding engagement is one of the single biggest contributing factors to a dysfunctional family. The role of an engaged and involved father is absolutely critical to raising children well.
It’s 2025 my fellow fathers! I shouldn’t need to belabour this point or bring forth more evidence to convince you of this “don’t”.
Belittle
Self-esteem is an important component in one’s toolkit for life that helps build self-confidence and an assured self-identity.
What that means is that if children are brought up in environments that help build up their sense of self-worth and they are given more encouragements than insults, they stand a far better chance of more sooner reaching a fuller sense of who they are and why they are placed on earth.
To me, that’s one of the greatest goals of parenting: helping our children discover who they are. Who they are meant to be.
If you agree and embrace this point, then this second “don’t” I’m listing here — don’t belittle — should be a no-brainer.
Yet, under pressure of time and performance, many a father (myself included), forget this and often default to belittling and chastising our kids when they missed the mark.
Go easy on your kid (and yourself), ok? Remind yourself daily that mistakes are what helps us learn and grow better. Not success. Especially the kind of success that comes at the expense of a strong relationship between father and child. No trophy is worth that much if it means a strained, even broken, connection with your kid!
Compare
One of the greatest ills of society today is this constant impulse to compare with others. As if we’re not sufficiently stressed already, why add another layer of pressure by trying to keep up, no surpass, the Joneses?
But that’s exactly what often happens. We compare report cards in school. Clothes we wear. Cars that chauffeur kids to enrichment classes. And the list goes on and on. While the starting point might have been innocent enough — a desire to offer our kids the best they deserve — along the way it becomes sometimes an ugly slug fest as parents try to outdo and outmanoeuvre one another to give our kids a leg up.
I’m here to say, STOP!
More often than not, it’s the lack of engaged, quality time with our kids that leads many a harried and career-possessed parent to default to task management mode. As if parenting is akin to corporate functions. And we all know what that task management mode is don’t we? It’s applying workplace efficiency and performance metrics to our families, turning them into some kind of well-oiled machinery that must conform to certain standards or be overhauled. Or worse, discarded!
I’m here to tell you, don’t.
Instead, draw a clear line between work and family.
And hold that line, come hell or high water!
Parting Shots For Every Father
Before I wrap up this post, I leave you some final thoughts which I hope every father will contemplate and consider to apply in their own fathering journey.
Own the role of a father on your own terms. Don’t be dictated by how society deems a father should behave. Instead, look to your wife and your own child for how s/he wishes you to engage. Then, follow through. With heart.
Don’t be the “male mother”. While there are times we need to solo parent and take on the entire gamut of parenting over the course of a day or more, know that fathers (and mothers) have unique roles to play that aren’t interchangeable. Fathers, you need to dedicate time to uncover your unique role in the family and play it well. Your wife and kids will be the better for your effort.
Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence and affection. So even if you fumble on my advice these past two weeks, know that you’re not alone. I fumble too. We all do. The key is not to berate ourselves but to pick ourselves up after the fall, and soldier on!
For parenting’s actually about your relationship with your kids, your spouse, and yes even yourself.
Ultimately, it’s about our ongoing journey to full maturation. As a father. A Man. A Human.
