In four days I’ll be recording a podcast episode to answer the question: What does it take to be a good father?
Honestly, I’m not sure I was in the right frame of mind when I accepted the podcast invitation!
I mean, a “good father”. Where does one even begin to talk about this?! And who gets to define “good” anyway?
Certainly, I will have to make it clear to the host and listeners of the podcast right from the start that I am anything but an expert. Given that one day the listeners could very well be my wife and kids, even though they aren’t podcast enthusiasts (for now), I better declare my ignorance and head off any snickers they may have should they hear me sprout lyrical about this topic. Especially when they are the closest people in my life. Which means they see, hear, and experience other, less public, aspects of the “real, daily me” away from the mike and limelight!
Still, the podcast team did approach me as a returning guest this time. So my first appearance on their show last year must have proven to be “good enough” for them to ask me back, right?
In order not to waste anyone’s time on the podcast, consider this post today my homework. My sketchy roadmap of what I plan to say at the recording on Wednesday. It’s the least I can do to honour their decision to invite me once again.
And I will do a postmortem follow-up blog post next week, after the recording’s done, just to close the loop.
What Makes A “Good” Father? Start With Being, Not Doing
To me, behind questions like how to be a good dad/mom/parent/teacher/______/person, lies a basic desire to do the “right thing”. This I firmly believe is what everyone hopes to be seen doing on a daily basis (both by themselves and by others).
The challenge of course is defining what is the “right thing”. And how one does that regularly.
I believe it’s important to step away from “performance” (doing), and look instead at the “person” (being). So being a good person doing the right thing has more to do with who we are, and less about what we do. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. Much of what we do ultimately stems from who we are in the first place.
In the case of fathering, that means not so much trying to live up to any external standard of what needs to be done in order to make us good fathers. Instead, we should first focus daily on who we are — our own inherent set of value systems, convictions and beliefs, as well as focus on the child or children in front of us.
Then, we should ask: “What shall we do today (my child and I) to deepen our relationship and connection with one another, and build meaningful memories together?”
It’s about being intentional moment by moment to engage our children so they will feel seen, heard and noticed whenever they need and seek our attention.
In short, it’s about being present.
Like a light switch turned 100% full-on (focused attention), and not a dimmer that offers different degrees of lighting intensity (diffused/distracted attention).
A Good Father Understands That It’s BOTH Quality & Quantity!
To be fully present, we need both quality AND quantity of time. There is no either/or, and certainly no half-measure.
So to my fellow dads who think they can get by as weekend parent “warriors”, I’m sorry but that’s not going to work! I don’t care if you disagree or come to blows with me on this. Or if you insist your kids are fine, making do with just your weekend parenting. There will be cracks and fissures in your child’s overall mental, emotional and spiritual growth and development that may not be obvious at first, but will show up in some way or other in their lives in time to come.
So. What can dads do to parent presently and intentionally?
There are some suggestions I hope to bring up during the podcast. To keep it simple, I’ve divided these suggestions into two broad sets — one is a set of Do’s, which I will discuss below. The other is a set of Don’ts which I will touch on next week.
And to make it easier to remember, each is arranged according to the first three letters of the alphabet.
The “Do”s Of A Good Father
Apprenticeship
Before the advent of manufacturing and industrialisation, the patriarch of every family are present in their homes everyday. They will typically take their male offsprings under their wings and equip them with a set of life skills to make a living. A farmer will mentor his sons on how to till the land. A hunter-gatherer will coach his boy how to hunt for food in the wilderness. A blacksmith will train his son how to cast iron and build things with his hands using the right tools.
Along the way, they get to spend both quality and quantity time together as teacher/mentor and apprentice. Fathers will impart their wisdom from a lived experience which will then form the bedrock of the child’s own maturation into adulthood.
In the same vein, many cultures have initiation traditions that help transition their offsprings from childhood to adulthood. There is the oft-mentioned Jewish Bar Mitzvah. The Aboriginal Walkabout in Australia. The Maasai Emuratta in Kenya and Tanzania.
Due to industrialisation and modernisation however, much of these quality/quantity time have been sacrificed in the past century. Many fathers now are often found working far from home, which means their kids don’t get to spend much time with them.
I believe we need to redress this.
Every dad has a lifeskill or more that they should spend dedicated and regular time to impart to their kids. For me, it’s teaching my sons the skills of writing, presentation, media and communication because these are my life skills.
But more importantly, along the way, I impart our family values to them and model the ways of adulthood that I desire them to imbibe as they grow up.
Be Present / Available / Attentive
This seems a no-brainer suggestion. Who would argue with the need to be present, available and attentive. Right?
Yet I find that today’s adults would sooner be present, available and attentive to other adults in their lives — bosses, colleagues, clients, peers — than they would be to their own children.
Why is that? Do we seriously think that our careers and casual friendships matter more, and thus deserve disproportionately more time and attention from us, than time with our very own flesh and blood?
Yes, I get it. There are days when the parenting journey can be crazy and you need a break from your kids. As a mostly stay-home dad these past six years, I know the importance of taking time off from parenting and spending some time on my own or with my peers.
But disproportionately more time away than with them? Feels like a recipe for disaster down the line.
If we want to be good fathers, we better be around more. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Relationally.
Enough said.
Connect For Meaning
Finally, the last suggestion I would offer in this set of Do’s is the idea of connecting for meaning.
At the end of the day, fathers should ask ourselves an important question: What can we bequeath to our children that will last? In short, what is the legacy we want our children to inherit from us?
Do we want them to see us as merely providers of food, clothing, shelter and an always-opened wallet stuffed with cash and credit cards? Is that what we want them to remember about us?
I don’t think so.
What will last beyond our deathbeds are none of these material things that will ultimately rot or fade away. Instead, it’s the conversations we’ve had. The debates we’ve sparred. The shared memories we have that warm hearts and nourish souls and relationships. These don’t require material riches and wealth. They only require time, patience, and an eternal perspective that seeks deep and meaningful connections as the greatest spice of our lives.
To dads everywhere, I would urge us to hold to a higher goal of existence for meaning, not merely subsistence for surviving.
Our kids need us to come through for them in ways that are deep and lasting.
The question is, will we?
