Last week I talked about my youngest son’s recent school trip to Seoul and how the goodbyes we had with him weren’t quite what we expected.
Today, I want to turn my attention on goodbyes to my eldest.
The journey with him hasn’t been the smoothest this year, making 15 (his current age) my least favorite number at the moment!
But truth be told this post is less about a parent “grieving” as he says his “goodbyes” to his child who’s now a “half-adult”. (Though of course there will be some of that!)
Rather, it’s about a parent learning to say “goodbye” to himself and the way he parents.
How It All Began
Before I begin, you need to know something about my eldest son…and me.
My eldest son is a fairly self-assured young fella.
Since kindergarten, my boy has been outgoing, gung-ho, and confident. I know those traits didn’t come from me. If anything, it’s more likely he got them from his mom. Growing up, I was about as insecure a kid as you can find in any neighborhood. I tend to be a pessimist in any given situation. Even today, when I’ve so much in my life I should be thankful for, I still struggle to believe in myself.
But not my son.
I do believe the love and attention we showered on him for most of his life helped shape his self-confidence. For there was never any lack in terms of love, devotion, and time spent to raise him. And to provide him with different opportunities and experiences.
Still, it’s always a big unknown, isn’t it? How all of that care and mentoring will influence a kid as they grow up.
If positive, then it should rightfully lead to maturity and even strong leadership abilities displayed. Negative, and it could lead to arrogance and a sense of entitlement. That would auger ill for his development as a decent human being.
While I can safely say he doesn’t show the latter in all its ugly form, the reality is he’s not really displaying much of the former either.
Instead, and especially this past year, he just seems to be living quite a lot in his private world. A world that typically involves lots of screen time and not enough downtime. This probably caused his academic performance this year to slip from mediocre at best to pretty much down in the doldrums.
“Are You Like Peppermint Patty, the Eternal D-Minus Student?”
But the worst thing for me is the stereotypical pushback you hear so much about with teens. How teens try to assert themselves and hold ground in confrontations with parents. That’s happened a lot with us this year.
And right now I’m, to be perfectly honest, flat-out exhausted!
A few weeks ago when his end-of-year school results were released, I sat him down for a serious talk about the academic options he has after next year. (Next year he will sit for a major national exam, and how he fares in it will determine his schooling options thereafter)
Using the recent results as a proxy, his future couldn’t look bleaker!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those Asian tiger parents one hears about when it comes to education. In fact, I told him point-blank I was fine if he felt studies weren’t for him, and he would rather go out and find a job. Saying one’s goodbyes prematurely to the world of academia isn’t going to nail him to the coffin. Most people on the planet barely make it past high school anyway.
But I did ask him what I believe now on hindsight to be a pivotal question: Son, do you think these recent exam results reflect your actual potential? Are you like the Peanuts cartoon character Peppermint Patty, the eternal “D-minus” student?
His reply was an emphatic “NO!“
To which I replied: Then what are you going to do about it?
“Don’t worry Dad, I’ll say my goodbyes to fun soon. So leave me be for now”
Three months ago, I posted about a difficult conversation I had with my son. While I won’t repeat the details of it here, there was something he said at the end of that exchange which I now recall.
He said that even though it doesn’t appear so to me now, the truth is he knows that soon he will have to grow up and face the fact he’s not a kid anymore. When that time comes, he will need to behave more like a mature, young adult with cares and responsibilities.
So in the meantime, he just wants to chill, have fun, and not have a care in the world.
I guess I’m recalling that now because it ultimately informs why three months later, despite the dismal academic results (he even panicked for a moment when he realized he might not be promoted next year like his peers!), my son still appears so self-confident and cavalier.
And in this realization lies my “unexpected goodbyes”.
After this latest skirmish with my son over his seeming lack of urgency about his grades, I realize it’s less about him and more about me!
What do I expect of him? Why do I expect compliance from him? Why can’t I stand back and let him learn by failing? Is it because I think failure is bad? That him failing is me failing too? So what if, despite all our help, he still picks his own path and falters?
What’s wrong with that?
I’m still figuring these answers out. Hopefully, I’ll have a fuller picture –and verdict — soon.
For now, this much I know.
As both my sons grow older, parenting is becoming more and more about me saying my goodbyes to old ways of parenting them, and saying hello to more and more ways of “parenting” me!
