Goodbyes are part and parcel of life as we know it so few are rarely surprised when they happen. Unless of course it’s the kind of goodbyes one’s not expecting.
Like what I got recently from my two sons.
Let me start with the “more straightforward” case of goodbyes. (The “less straightforward” case I’ll introduce next time)
How It All Began
Four months ago, I mentioned in one of my blog posts that my youngest was slated to fly to Seoul with teachers and classmates from his autism school. It was to be an overseas exposure trip that would last five days (he returned home last night).
The school had a few lofty objectives for this annual trip for sixth-graders. They wanted the students to:
1. Develop 21st Century Competencies
2. Gain Cultural Exposure and Appreciation
3. Check out Korea’s Arts Scene
4. Learn Experientially Through Different Travel Activities
5. Experience Communal Living
6. Build Money Management Skills
In short, education on the go!
Whilst flying overseas for vacations isn’t new for my son, what is new is that this time round, we won’t be with him!
A fact clearly not lost on my little one. So when we first heard about this trip from his teacher back in April/May, we decided to sign him up. Even though we had our doubts as to whether or not the school would allow him to go.*
[*Given that autism, a neuro-disability, spans the spectrum from mild to severe, not every student can be brought easily along for such trips, especially when there are no family members allowed]
No doubt my dear son doth protesteth quite a bit! Being a habitual whiner, it came as no surprise that he started to complain and to cajole us to cancel the application. The thought of going away without us was too much for him to bear.
But strangely enough, this round of whining lasted just a couple of days. It was certainly not as much as we thought, given his track record. (To this day, I’m still not sure why he didn’t whine longer).
Two months after we signed him up, we were delighted and also not a little bit startled, that the school had approved my son to join the trip. I suspect it’s because only one other boy in his class applied, which meant his form teacher only had to chaperone two boys for the trip, a far more delightful prospect than the whole class!
No matter. The point is…we have lift-off!
Preparing for Goodbyes
We also had “face-off”! For we had to continuously remind our son between the announcement and the trip that this was coming and that we needed him (and us) to be ready. From experience, we know that such encounters with our son can often feel like a full-on confrontation.
Now I know what you’re thinking at this point. We shouldn’t overdo the reminders in case it exacerbates the situation and stress the heck out of our son! You’re right. Absolutely. No sense at all in making things worse. For saying goodbye (as singer Taylor Dayne once belted) is “never an easy thing.” Less so when you’re my son, who dislikes changes to his routine and has a deep fear of the unknown. (Then again, who doesn’t? You don’t? Good for you!)
And to our credit, we kept it light and chilled. Making sure we only occasionally make mention of it throughout the three months leading up to the day of departure.
Intermittently however, we would show him videos and images of the places he will visit in Seoul. We would also purchase some South Korean currency for the little man to familiarise himself with their money. We encouraged him to look forward to the prospect of buying stuff there, including his favourite Lego toy sets, even though he was skeptical he would find any. After all, the trip itinerary only mentioned a visit to Lotte Mart, Seoul’s famous hypermarket, for grocery shopping.
Closer to departure date, we also started to guide him as to what and how to pack his luggage. We were eternally grateful to the school for providing a very comprehensive and detailed set of packing instructions that included guidelines on what to pack and label for every single day of the trip. For easy retrieval and repacking.
So all in all, we felt as prepared as any parent could be to send off our kid on his first overseas vacation without us.
Or so we thought.
“Soul” to Seoul — Goodbyes At Home & At The Airport
Fast forward to last Sunday, the day he took off with his teacher and schoolmates on a red-eye flight to Seoul. Just a couple of days before he was already starting to walk around the house sulking and to double-down on all his favourite things — playing Lego, computer games, or watching his favourite Youtube videos.
We let him, knowing full well this was his way to cope with the impending adventure.
On the day itself, a few hours before we were to take him to the airport, our friend suddenly came to me just as I emerged from my bedroom toilet. Ordinarily his sudden appearance would have taken me by surprise. This time though, I could hear him coming because his trembling voice carrying garbled words while sobbing preceded him like a fluttering wind.
Without so much as a word, I gave him a bear hug and let him cling onto me for dear life. I knew he needed the physical comfort and reassurance. This was a goodbye he dreaded but one that ultimately he had to deal with himself. All I could do was be the comforting parent and to brace myself for the many difficult and reluctant goodbyes with him at the airport later.
I was wrong.
As soon as we reached the airport and he caught sight of his teacher and classmates, it looked like he couldn’t wait to be rid of his mommy and me! It was all we could do to hold him long enough to snap the usual goodbye photos before he entered customs for clearance.
Talk about hasty goodbyes!
While he did remember at the last moment inside the transit lounge to turn and wave goodbye to us at the viewing gallery (only cause everyone else was doing so and his teacher reminded him to), this reaction from him certainly was a 180 degree turn from the teary goodbye back at home.
Talk about unexpected!
Still, I guess that is the reality of goodbyes in the unsteady world of parenting.
And why, even after 15 years, parenting continues to teach me daily about life and its myriad of learning moments, both the expected and the unexpected ones.
Stay tuned. My follow-up to this will be an even bigger “unexpected goodbye”!
