Over a week ago I went to bed angry.
Twice.
The first night was because of a disagreement with my wife (which thankfully we sorted out the next day).
The second? Anger with my firstborn.
But rather than fume on my pillow (like I did the first night), resulting in nothing but sleeplessness and a rotten day after, I decided I would do something about it. I would get out of bed, sit at my desk, and pen my grievances. After all, confession is supposed to be good for the soul.
If I let my anger out rather than bottle it inside, I can probably sleep better. And who wouldn’t want a good night’s sleep right?
(What you will read hereon contains parts of what I wrote that night)
What Happened In My Fathering
I was angry with my fifteen-year-old that day thanks to a trigger event that unlocked long pent-up frustrations percolating just under the surface.
The event? A possible opportunity for my son to go on a school field trip to Niihama, Japan in November to learn about leadership and sustainability.
The catch? He had to submit a 45-second video explaining why the school should pick him for the trip (only 16 students would be selected to go, out of his entire cohort of some 100 students).
My son rarely wants to attend stuff the school organizes. Like a recent series of compulsory community service trips to a local special needs education school to help kids with classwork and exercises. Or a trip last month downtown to observe a rehearsal for our nation’s 59th National Day Parade.
He finds them boring.
This time though he sounded interested. My son actually said he “wanted” to go. A rare word to hear from my dear boy. Even though he’s already been to Japan twice before on family vacations to popular cities like Tokyo and Kyoto.
I guess he wanted to go this time with a different crowd, for a different purpose, and to a lesser-known location.
For days after the announcement, I encouraged him to prepare the video early. I even shared some ideas he could include in it. After all, since he wanted to go, he should be hard at work planning and recording his video in the days leading to the submission deadline.
He waited until the last day.
That got me fuming!
What Dad Proposes, Son Disposes
One of the things I struggle with as a parent to a teenager is this: I have to constantly parry down my expectations of my child. To not let my expectations of what or how he should live his life take over and ruin our relationship through fits of anger and displeasure when he doesn’t live up to them.
After all, I’ve always believed no one should be living up to societal and family expectations all the time. Rather, they should forge their own paths in life and strive to meet their own expectations as best they can.
Right.
In truth, I’m not unlike many parents. I want what’s best for my son. I want him to try different things, discover the world beyond his mobile games, Insta reels, and Youtube meme videos. To build more independence and self-confidence every chance he gets. To see for himself what I see — a young man with a bright future ahead of him and infinite possibilities that I never had when I was his age.
In short, I wanted him to live my life all over again! Nothing wrong with that right?
And so I intervene.
I butt in every chance I get.
I freely dispense my sage wisdom though none was requested.
Fathering Harder
Therein lies the crux of the issue. The core of what breaks up many a father-son relationship.
I’d forgotten that my son isn’t a mini-me. He’s a separate, unique individual who must chart his own path as he grows older. Not try to live out his father’s dreams and aspirations.
Exactly how badly did I forget this time? Let’s just say that I’d burst out in the past before, but this time, I really let it rip!
I took him out for lunch last Sunday, the final day to hand in his video. And spent the whole time lashing out at him, that’s how!
Talk about fathering softer.
I told him how I was disappointed he showed no sense of urgency to do something about what he claimed he wanted. Each time I brought up the subject in the past week, he would put on a cool-as-a-cucumber attitude and said he’ll get around to completing his video. Often saying “I’ll get it done, Dad!” without actually doing anything.
I told him how it irked me every time he would spend maybe 15 minutes on school work but three times that length of time on gaming or bingeing videos and anime shows online. Why can’t he reverse that pattern of time management instead and see better results in both school work and self-discipline?
It was a very tense lunch to say the least.
It’s Not How Well You Start. It’s How Well You Finish.
The worst part was, I didn’t let up.
After lunch, I insisted we sit down in a nearby park and talk things out.
There I unburdened to my bewildered 15-year-old all the things weighing heavy on my heart. In short, I poured out my grievances. I told him I don’t know how to parent well a kid who…
- …likes to start things well, but finishes not at all well (if he even finishes at all!). The simplest daily example is turning on room lights but not turning them off. Opening a water bottle cap to drink but not putting the cap on, leading to occasions where he spills water everywhere.
- …isn’t interested in anything I’m interested in. The five things he likes — football, anime, Lego, Youtube meme videos and phone games — I deeply dislike!
- …now makes me think twice how I say anything. It’s almost like a marriage! Don’t instruct, talk down, issue orders or sound like a “know-it-all/what’s-best-for-you” parent. Everything must sound like an unobtrusive, tentative, open-ended question asked in a calm, even-tempered tone, almost casually and nonchalantly (even though inside your head you wish to scream it at him). Can anything be more exhausting for a dad?!
- …if we get into a disagreement these days, the thought at the back of my mind is I’m driving him away from me. It’s like a free pass and an excellent excuse to spend as little time at home as possible just so he doesn’t have to put up with me. How painful and discouraging that is! Yet if I keep silent when I see something he’s about to step into and possibly regret, how do I bite my tongue and say nothing?
I’ve often said this: parenting a teen means being prepared to watch an imminent car wreck yet being helpless to stop it even though I may have all the tools I need to stop it!
My son was pretty shaken up after my tirade. It’s clear he never knew how intensely I felt every moment that he was defiant to me, even though in none of those moments was it his intent to infuriate me. It just looked so from my frayed parenting point of view.
In the end, he acknowledged my unhappiness but reminded me he’s still young and there will be time enough in the future for him to mature and face the stresses, challenges, and expectations that will invariably hit him.
And then he told me he knew and appreciated my love and care for him. That he appreciates my heart for him.
Whereupon my heart melted and we entered into a bear hug.
Then slowly, with hearts restored, we walked back home together.
bro, you are super intense!