Each year this time, I will try to pen some thoughts about autism. As a dad who is the main caregiver to a son with the condition, you would expect I have lots to say about autism. All the time.
The truth is, I don’t. Not really. Not without going into nitty-gritty details. Which quite frankly, after several years, it’s become quite hazy for me.
But increasingly, I’m starting to feel that I can’t let it stay that way.
Increasingly I feel like I need to remember the details well. Especially the moments when he gets upset or has a meltdown. Not because I’m a narcissist who enjoys watching those moments take place. Not because I’m hoping to use those “autism moments” as an excuse to write an expose of my son’s seemingly unruly behaviour in my blog. Or to shame him later for not having better self-regulation.
Instead, when those moments happen, I am reminded I’ve barely begun in my journey towards understanding and relating to my son and his autism!
Remembering The Small Moments. Again.
Take for example this past week where I had a few “skirmishes” with him over, what else, the small details of our daily lives. Exchanges that left him in tears and me in defeat.
When before I would remember in vivid, technicolour these small moments — especially when he was still little — these days each moment that passeth, well let’s just say they passeth! So apologies if what I share below feels scant on details.
Toys for Breakfast?
Like what happened three days ago when he insisted on bringing his toys to the breakfast table. Already a slow eater, there’s no telling how much longer he will take to finish up in time for school. As his designated chauffeur daily, I was naturally more than a little miffed.
And so the morning tussle began.
Again.
A Gordian Knot
Then there was the time two nights ago. I had to once more remind him to pack his school bag for the next day. Good thing I did too since he had a culinary practicum to prepare for. That meant he was supposed to pack his apron and wash towels. And standby a Tupperware to contain whatever he will cook in the culinary science lab the next day.
What was more frustrating for me was how clumsily he tied the reef knot for the little plastic bag we gave him to put all these stuff in. Seems silly now in retrospect. Didn’t I already know full well his challenges with fine motor skills?
Driven To Distractions!
To make matters worse, our daily car conversations this past week generally felt more like mini-lectures than anything else. If it wasn’t an argument with his older brother that I had to rehash in an effort to remind him not to get into fights with the bigger, stronger sibling, it’s haggling over the car song playlist. Or just reminding him about the littlest of things like wearing his school shoes properly (and not have his ankles stick out). Putting the seat belt on. Drinking enough water.
The list goes on.
No surprise that some of these got pretty heated and left me spent after shouting my head off and him shell-shocked with tears trickling down his cheeks.
It’s Just Plain Old Bad Parenting For Autism
No matter how I slice and dice it, I know in these autism moments I’ve failed as a parent of a special needs kid. It’s almost embarrassing to admit this now, given I’ve been a special needs parent of a kid with autism for over a decade! Shouldn’t I know better?
All I can say is that when life gets busy (I resumed my contract teaching this past week), and deadlines come a-looming (cause teaching has tons of invisible admin and lesson preps to complete even prior to stepping into a classroom), my patience thins and I default to efficiency. Talk about a recipe for disaster!
I’m not proud of it. To many (including me), this is a straightforward case of bad parenting.
I only hope I’ll get better at it as I, and my son, grow older.
Meantime, the advocacy for building empathy and inclusion for the autism community continues. I hope that despite, or maybe precisely because of, my bad parenting skills, I can still lend a hand along the way to help the autism community be more accepted by the larger society.
Most importantly, I must parent my son better. As this past week has clearly shown me, I’ve only just begun!
And in this autism journey, I need to remind myself that details do matter.
