In the blink of an eye, 15 years of parenting have passed for me. So what have I learned in all this time? And how will any of these learnings help the next generation of dads?
Hmmm…
What 15 Years Of Parenting Taught Me | Part 1
I would say this much were I to advise new and younger dads what I now know: There are some pretty important things to regularly practice at home to better prepare you for the tumultuous growing-up years of parenting your children.
Disclaimer: As much as I would like to say I’ve successfully done all 15 stuff I’m listing — five here and the rest in my next two posts — the truth is I’ve not. Why? Cos I’m dense that’s why! And anyway, only hindsight is a 20/20 vision.
So all the more I want to list them here so others won’t stumble the same way I did. (And am still doing!)
Looking back, I realize that had I done a majority of these 15 things regularly over the past 15 years, maybe my parenting journey might have been more deeply satisfying.
1. Chores
Get children to do household chores as early as possible and don’t give them any reason to decline no matter how old they get!
These chores can be anything and everything: washing dishes, making beds, folding clothes, sweeping the floor, taking out the recyclables and trash, cleaning windows, and wiping furniture. Whether there is modern equipment on hand to ease the chore or not, the key is in the process as well as the satisfaction of a job well done when the chores are completed.
Studies show that kids who help around the house daily from a young age tend to grow up more stable and mature. They also learn that life isn’t always about fun and games. After all, the truth is that many things in life are often routine and mundane. But necessary. Like keeping the house spick and span through love and care, rather than turning it into a pigsty through neglect.
It’s often in the routine and mundane that we learn contentment and how to value the simpler things in life. Not to mention, developing patience and an appreciation for what we have.
2. Valleys
Related to the chores is the idea that we should expose kids regularly and deliberately to situations, people, and environments — both local and overseas (whether in-person or via TV documentaries, etc) — less fortunate than their own lived experience.
Infrequent forays into “valleys” less favorable than our “mountaintops” won’t do. Our kids’ exposure to these circumstances needs to be sustained and regular enough so it doesn’t devolve into an over-simplistic case of contrast-gaining. Where kids start thinking they’re better than others.
Because they’re not. None of us are.
And we certainly don’t want kids, after only one or two encounters of this nature, to come away determined to cling faster and harder to their ‘privileged’ lives, for fear of losing the lifestyle and possessions they’ve gotten used to.
Instead, what we want through regular valley ventures in our parenting is a higher likelihood that kids will learn gratitude early and learn it well. And, over time, to hold on tightly to fewer and fewer temporal things like money and material goods.
And to spare a thought for others and pay it forward wherever and whenever they can.
3. News
Gradually (in an age-appropriate way), and consistently, parents should share current affairs and news with their children so they know the world is bigger than their playground or living room.
Then, hopefully, they can be global citizens who aren’t inward-looking, which often leads to self-centredness and a lack of civic-mindedness.
Kids should know what’s come before, what’s ongoing, and what’s ahead. In the course of parenting, we should get kids to read up on history and how it informs what’s going on today in the world. Many educational institutions, especially those at tertiary levels, now mandate curriculum that talks about global trends and issues. To ensure their graduates have broader perspectives and can hold their own when discussing topics across a wide spectrum.
In short, plug children into the global community. And in so doing, connect them in solidarity with the whole human race.
4. Manners
Teach and demonstrate to kids early on the importance of manners and respect for those who’ve gone before them. These should include teachers, parents, and grandparents.
Even if kids don’t agree with the values and practices of the older generation, we should teach them to show disagreement in a way that isn’t rude or unkind. (Something I’ll admit I’ve yet to learn well myself!)
I remember several years ago when we had a few friends and their children over to our place. One dad had two sons around 10 years of age who dashed into my study room the minute they arrived. Without even a simple hello. They completely ignored me, the owner and host of the gathering.
When I asked the dad pointedly, he merely shrugged his shoulders. In his family, they don’t expect kids to greet.
No surprise those kids grew up sullen and rebellious, giving that dad much headache and heartache.
5. Offline
Refuse to give kids a personal device like a phone or tablet til they are at least 13 years old!
If you think this a draconian move in this digital world we now inhabit, and you’re not convinced it matters, I would urge you NOT to read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. Not unless you’re prepared to have your mind completely blown by the undeniable facts presented there about the harmful effects of excessive screen time.
This advice, by the way, isn’t just for kids! Let’s face it, adults are often far worse than kids when it comes to their addiction to screens and devices (yes I’m including myself in this pronouncement too!).
Many fail to realize that the fallout from excessive screen time, doom-scrolling, texting, emailing, online shopping/researching, channel surfing, bingeing memes or streaming series — listlessness, loss of purpose and motivation, dreariness, boredom, disinterest — can dull one’s senses destructively the way gambling, pornography, and drug addictions can rob us of lucidity.
So ideally, there should be a lot more offline, “slow dopamine” moments, that don’t involve screens but include lots of print reading, hands-on hobbies, card/board games, and outdoor activities instead.
Okay, I think the above five learning points are enough to chew on for now.
I’ll be back next week for Part 2 of this three-part series.
