Last week, I talked about my experience building a community. It ended with me on the verge of detailing the “hits”, after talking about the “highs”.
So allow me now to pick up from where I left off.
Forming A Core Community Of Six “Leaders“
I distinctly recalled that within two months or so of our community’s formation in March 2023, three of us who were among the original six stepped up to assist the founder to form a core group to help manage the community’s growth.
We had “caught the fire” so to speak and wanted to be part of helping nurture, care and shape the community’s development. To ensure that members who joined felt seen, accepted and safe enough to speak their minds on their personal, spousal and parenting challenges.
Then, around August/September 2023, another two members were roped in to join our core team. So now we had six core “leaders”, though we didn’t really see ourselves as such. At this point, the community barely had 40 members, so six in a core group felt to me rather excessive.
Still, the decision wasn’t all mine so I demurred to the majority, including the founder.
But I definitely had my reservations with A, one of the new core members.
While he was brought in partly because of his experience starting a community of his own, there was something off-putting about A. Over time my suspicions, unfortunately, proved merited. He was regularly seeking attention, needing constant validation, always late for meetings, yet dominating discussions as much as possible. It was as if he needed to be heard all the time while simultaneously paying scant attention to others when they speak and share their parenting stories.
The other core leaders, though, didn’t seem to notice or mind. So I decided to keep my opinions to myself and just mosey along.
Then, in the middle of 2025, two major setbacks happened.
And Then There Was One!
First, J, one of the original three core team members announced that he too was setting off with his family on a humanitarian trip. It would be for at least a year. This would happen by February 2026, but preparations needed to begin already.
This was a big blow to me! J was not only the most reliable, level-headed among us, he was also the most tech-savvy and creative. He had been instrumental in creating the various break-out group chats. He also managed our socials, as well as all meeting announcement e-posters.
What would the remaining two of us do now without him? (The founder had already left us. And the two core team members (including A) that were the last to be recruited, were barely active)
Then in June, T — the other guy of the original three — suddenly went off the grid! He literally ghosted us by ignoring all attempts to reach him. Both J and I even took turns going to his house to find out what happened. But T was either not at home or, in my case, he turned me away at the front door. He claimed he was going through a lot of personal things and he needed to retreat and disengage.
Which meant that it was left to J and I to hold fort. Even as J was preparing to exit the country. And right about the time our “little” community tripled to nearly 90 members too! (Thanks in part to much word of mouth, and media publicity around Father’s Day 2025)
While J tried to be there for me and the community as much as he could, keeping the community going and thriving was a responsibility I now had to shoulder mostly on my own!
The Inheritance Of Loss & The Rebuilding Of A New Community Core
To say this was a “hit” was an understatement!
And to top it off, A proved passive-aggressive with me. He sent me unpleasant texts that questioned my “leadership” while painting himself as a victim that was being ignored despite once being a part of the core six. A also constantly showed up late for meetings (if he came at all), but expected to get all the attention each time without giving much back. He even left one meeting (which he arrived for over an hour late) abruptly because he thought he was being ignored.
To add to my “inheritance of loss” (at the leaving of J and T) and A’s onslaught, another longstanding member, whom I was very closed with (let’s call him G), let me down relationally. Up until the point in 2025 when things fell apart for me in the community leadership and in my personal life, G was a rock. He was someone I could always count on to meet, text or call. I almost treated him like a “2am bosom buddy”, someone who would come to my aid when I needed it.
Sadly, I was wrong.
When I did need his companionship at a particularly low point of my life (end of 2025), he kept giving me reasons why he wasn’t free to meet. It slowly dawned on me that whilst I needed his friendship badly, it was purely one-sided.
To say this wasn’t a crushing “hit” for me would be a lie.
Leading A Community Means Taking The Hits
In order to distract myself from these hits, I occupied myself with sustaining the existing community and our monthly meetings, even as I was busy welcoming new “enlistees”. (By the end of 2025, we had over 100 members!)
While I was grateful for J’s help in the past to set up various WhatsApp community break-out groups (based on interests, location, etc) to anchor our growing pool of members, I continued to feel the weight of assimilating new members as something only I could do with the time and resources I had.
Not to mention, checking in on members who have been with us for at least a year or more, just to see if they were okay. And the weight of “holding” — like a trusted custodian — the life stories of various members in life-challenging situations. (A subject best left to a whole other blog post)
I had invariably become the ‘glue’ that kept the community going. Not exactly a role I had expected to take on back in 2023 when we began. And one I’m not sure how long I can continue to juggle.
But I guess it is what it is. And I’ll likely do it again if I could go back in time.
Because I’ve come to learn that, when it comes to community, leadership means publicly celebrating the highs, while privately taking the hits. And in so doing, learning and building myself up to better navigate the intricacies of inter-personal relationships in this increasingly volatile world we live in.
So if you ask me, I’ve no regrets.
But I wouldn’t mind a helping hand every now and then. And a clear succession plan too!
(*PS Silver lining: Since end 2025, I have assembled a group of “coordinators” from the community to assist me. Hopefully with time, they can take on the lion’s share of community work so I don’t have to)
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