Fathering Softer #4 — Parenting Myself

It’s been so long since last I wrote a straight-up piece that this is about as good a time as any to do just that.

You’re probably wondering what I mean by a “straight-up” piece. I mean one not including sub-headings, images, and captions, all placed to supposedly enhance my piece’s Search Engine Optimization or SEO. Not to mention including external and internal (my past posts) weblinks to evidence that will back up what I say. And with grammar checks thrown in for good measure.

To “please the algorithm elves” as it were. All in the name of increasing online traffic to my post, and improving readership.

Today I’m not going to do that. So I apologize if what you’re about to read sounds raw and un-edited.

Today I’m just going to dress down and shoot from the hip as I write.

Why today?

Because I am writing a raw piece that comes from a place of pure regret, ignorance, and helplessness. Things I’m daily conscious of for myself as a man, husband, and parent of two teenagers. But more so this week which, coincidentally, is Holy or Passion Week (the week Christians everywhere observe as a lead-up to Easter Sunday).

Or maybe it isn’t a coincidence. God does work in His mysterious ways!

So why did I say this piece is written from a place of pure regret, ignorance, and helplessness?

Well, a few incidents happened this week that gave me absolute certainty that I have absolutely little control over my life!

First, I received an unexpected nasty phone call from a family member on Tuesday that blew my stack. Although the 30-minute-long exchange ended with a reluctant, tacit agreement on both sides that we would put the conversation behind us and move on, it still left me with a bitter aftertaste that lasted for much of the week. Even now as I recall it, my body still stiffens in annoyance and regret for the unpleasantries spoken on both sides.

Next, that same night my wife and I had a long talk with my eldest about his dismal academic performance as evidenced by the poor showing for his school’s first weighted assessment (WA1) that happened a month ago (and for which the results were only just released).

We wanted, not so much to point out the low scores (he did especially poorly for his science and math subjects), but to ask he put in place a learning plan in the coming weeks to see him pull up his grades for WA2, happening a month from now. And to have some targets in mind for WA2, plus accountability if those targets aren’t met.

The mistake I made throughout the hour-long discussion was how I kept reminding my son that, when I was his age back in the 1980s, no adult took time and effort to process these matters with me. And so I was left floundering for most of my years in high school. With the benefit of hindsight (and the fact that I’m still teaching professionally), I wanted very much to discuss his academics with him so he wouldn’t feel alone like I did.

I even went as far as to hammer in the point that this was the first of his two years as a senior in school, working towards the national-level exams at the end of 2025. And the prep to “conquer” that exam should start now, not next year.

Yep, I actually said that. Repeatedly. Talk about fathering softer! Can I be any more ignorant than that? To think I regularly pooh-pooh helicopter parenting, yet there I was on Tuesday night, doing exactly that!

Needless to say, it didn’t sit well with my 15-year-old, who, on top of being a full-fledged teen, also has a strong maverick streak (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!).

Thankfully the conversation ended hopeful. Our son made clear he understood we were coming from a place of love and concern. So he will work on the learning plan and he will try to be accountable, though he will do it his way and not because he’s chasing grades or prepping for next year’s national exams.

Looking back now on that conclusion, that was all him. His father, who nearly botched things up by trying too hard in the wrong direction, clearly played no part in the resolution. My ignorance nearly derailed the whole exchange. Most likely I have this Holy Week’s “aura” to thank for rescuing the situation.

I remember crying the next morning to my wife while driving her to work because I felt so stupid as a parent. Especially one who supposedly had been studiously researching how to be a good parent since first my wife conceived. Fat lot of good that did me.

Finally, a couple of things took place on Thursday that reminded me I really need help parenting. While I won’t go into details this time, let’s just say it had to do with devices and how once seen, some things can never be “unseen”. (You’re free to make of that what you will)

However, the events on Thursday and the discussions that followed told me one thing pretty clearly.

If I as father and mentor to my sons don’t stay vigilant but let things fester unnoticed til they take root in my children’s lives, then I best play catch-up quickly now to prevent a further slide!

For me, that means “parenting myself” first and to do so more purposefully every day so I can in turn parent my kids well. By parenting myself, I mean taking stock daily of what I am feeling, what I need to be doing, and how I can be a better version of myself today than yesterday. Which by the way is my New Year resolution for 2024-2025: being a better version of myself daily.

If I can achieve that, I’ll stand a better chance of fathering softer too when it comes to raising my sons.

Thanks be to God this Holy Week for the events that took place and these accompanying parenting insights! The only question is: Will I succeed in fathering softer and being a better parent today than I was yesterday?

Guess we’ll know as the year continues to unfold.

Meantime, Blessed Easter to you my reader!