Without warning, my life was thrown into a tailspin at the start of last month when my wife fell gravely ill. Having pushed through like some caregiving automaton for some five weeks now (and counting), I’m starting to feel the burnout and to realise I need to exercise self-care now if I’m to go the distance.
Especially given the fact that this tailspin of a maelstrom may well last for at least the next two to five years! Maybe more.
For those not caught up yet with what I’m talking about, please feel free to check out my last couple of blog posts, especially this one.
Rather than rehash here the account of how my world has gone belly-up, I’ll focus this post on what every caregiver like me needs to know and be reminded of when it comes to self-care.
Because I believe I’m going to need to return to this post again and again when the dark days come and I forget to take time for my self-care.
1. Seek Support (Professionally & Personally)
One of the first things I should do is set up a constant network of support. Not just for my wife, but also for me. Both professionally and personally.
In her case, professionally would mean making sure my wife’s medical needs are well attended to. Appointments are kept. Medication is taken. Diet is observed like a hawk. Personally, that would mean letting her close friends know what happened. And how their regular presence to bring comfort to her would be much-needed balm for this tumultuous season of her life.
In my case, personally, that would mean gathering a group of empathetic friends around me to explain our situation if they don’t yet know. And be ready to be on the receiving end of their kindness in this hour of need. Call it having a thick skin. Call it giving others a chance to help. Or call it whatever you want. I’m no longer shy or ashamed to ask for help. For this is no time to stand on ceremony. And should the shoe ever fall on the other foot for a friend I care about, I hope s/he would give me such a chance to serve him/her too.
Professionally, my periodic therapy sessions with my counsellor of three years will now have to take on a whole new angle as I wrestle in consultation with him over this new existential ‘fight’ that’s on our hands.
2. Set Realistic Boundaries
I must learn to exercise a principle I recently posted about — “No” is a complete sentence.
That means saying no to engagements (family or otherwise) if they drain my limited energy and ask of me beyond what I’m able to offer in this difficult season of my life.
Like skipping a nephew’s impending wedding ceremony (though that’s easy to decline, since we’ve never kept in touch. Plus, I’ve nothing in common with him other than the fact that his father and I share the same surname).
Or if an ex-colleague or casual friend wants to meet up just because they wish to catch up.
Or turning down invitations to speak, or teach an extra class for the new semester.
For boundaries equal sanity.
Period.
3. Take Regular Emotional Breaks
This one is critical in the realm of self-care. And certainly at first glance it sounds easy to do. But, in reality, it’s not.
We’re often wired to try and solve our problems. Push through the day. Keep busy. Appear useful.
There will be many instances in the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and even years ahead when my caregiving duties will be summoned again and again. And rightfully so of course, since I’m the main caregiver, the main protector and the main provider for my family.
But that also means there’s every chance I can busy myself into a state of perpetual work and endless tasks. To the point whereby I overlook my own emotional rhythms and fatigue. Because it’s so easy to tell ourselves that sacrificing self-care regularly to support and care for our loved ones is the universally-accepted “right thing” to do, isn’t it?
Well, it’s not. Not if it comes at the expense of one’s own emotional well-being.
So instead, I need to recognise it is also the universally-accepted thing for me to take time out for myself. To go for a walk in nature. Or listen to my favourite music. Or re-watch a fave movie. Even pick up a favourite book from my shelf and bring it with me to a nearby park bench to sit and re-read.
Anything to give myself an emotional break time to recharge and then return to my caregiving duties.
So I can continue to go the distance my family needs me to go.
4. Stay Connected to My Identity
This reminder is probably the least obvious and yet it’s potentially the most critical precisely because it goes to the heart of true self-care, and one’s true identity and inherent inclinations.
To live out this point, I must engage in something that’s to my liking. That speaks to me. That moves me. And makes me come alive! That simply says to anyone who cares: This is ME!
Could be a hobby I love (like writing).
A regular cafe haunt for my favourite latte. And to then sit and just watch the world go by.
Or a visit to my local library because I love surrounding myself with books.
Or tinkle with the piano keyboard, even though I barely play more than one or two songs (and not even all the way through!).
Yes, this is arguably one of the most important reminders I’ll need to return to again and again on days when I feel like giving up.
5. Don’t Neglect My Own Health
In contrast to the previous reminder, this one gets probably the most air play and likely needs no further introductions from me.
Still, this I will say.
The reason why it gets the most air time out of all other self-care reminders is precisely because so few carve out intentional time to do it! Especially when the caregiving duties overwhelm — which they often do.
So caregivers often skip meals. Or postpone their own health checkups for the umpteenth time. Or simply neglect to put on a pair of sneakers to go outdoors for some much-needed sunshine and fresh air.
All in the name of being available 24/7 to our loved ones.
For sure, this reminder we ignore to our own peril. And also that of our loved ones.
Self-Care Matters. Seriously.
So there I go.
Five reminders for my self-care.
For the next five years at least.
May I hold on to them, and live them out.
So my life, and more importantly, that of my wife’s (and of course, our kids’) will stand a fighting chance to beat this storm for good.
