Of late I’m coming to terms with a truism that no doubt many parents of teens like me can’t avoid.
Arranging family outings with teens is a lot harder than with younger kids.
When my kids were younger (under 12) they would go wherever my wife and I go, with barely any questions asked or protests launched. I’m not saying such outings with small kids are easy. The logistics can be a nightmare to prepare. Milk bottles, diapers, wet wipes, pacifiers, change of clothes, toys, games like books, balls, or puzzles to distract or while away the requisite in-between waiting moments…the list is endless. So hats off to my fellow parents who presently have kids in that age range. I’ve been there before, so I empathise.
But now that my kids are no longer children but teens past the age of 12, it is more a mind game than a ball game when it comes to family outings. It’s now a lot less about logistics and more about mental gymnastics to persuade them to step out of the house!
What do I mean?
Teens Have Many “Excuses”…
My wife and I started noticing in the past two years that, as my eldest entered into full teendom, he became like other teens we were warned about!
I was especially reminded of this when my wife and I took a full hour to get our sons out of the house three days ago (it was a public holiday here). This was despite warning them days before we would be going out.
Must we?
Why must we go out now?
I’ll be bored. I don’t wanna go.
I’d much rather stay home and play computer or handphone games. Or chat with my friends on my mobile.
The list of protests from my 15 year old son was long and arduous to listen to.
…and the younger sibling learns fast too!
Taking the cue from his older brother, my youngest who’s now 13, also ‘protesteth too much’!
Why kor kor (big brother) can stay at home but I must go out with you? I also want to stay home.
I am tired and don’t want to go out. (By the way, this was said after a good night’s sleep!)
It’s too hot outside!!
What if it rains? What if there’s thunder? (He hates loud noises)
What happens if we come home late and I end up with less time to watch my favourite show?
Can we walk/cycle/swim/sightsee/etc for one second then we come home?
As you can surmise, his list of protests was even longer than his kor kor’s!
What’s A Parent To Do With Uncooperative Teens?!
Some reading this may think we’ve been too accommodating as parents, letting our kids wear us out with these endless objections.
But the truth is I’m far from alone. A casual search on Reddit or Quora will show that my pet peeve isn’t my own.
Of course, I have read enough to understand to a large degree why this truism exists, like a natural rite of passage…for parents!
Teens are at a stage in their social and emotional development where being around friends or simply doing their own thing trumps spending time with parents. I was a teen too once upon a time, and I remember wishing to stay away from my parents for as long as I could. They were just not much fun to be with. Even being alone to read a book was far more enjoyable than going on family outings.
But now that the shoe’s firmly on the other foot, I miss those early days of parenthood. Days where the kids depend totally on my wife and me for all their social and emotional needs, not to mention physiological ones of course. Days where they hung on our every word and thought the world of us.
Parenting Teens Is Really About Parenting Self
Okay okay, I hear ya. It sounds like I’m whining and being too self-absorbed.
Yet if you think about it, after spending so many years raising them from baby to toddler to pre-school, surely you can’t blame me for taking a bit of time to pivot out of that mode of parenting and adopt a more hands-off approach immediately, right?
When you have helped your children put on their first pair of shoes. Took them on the bike for the very first time. Helped them with every piece of homework. Watched them conquer their first playground obstacle course with your guidance.
It’s hard to let go completely. So I totally get that other parents like me struggle.
The question is, how do we navigate this next phase of our parenting journey?
For me, I’m learning daily that parenting older kids is increasingly more about parenting ourselves. Painstakingly learning each day that there’s only so much I can do. The rest is up to our kids, God/fate (take your pick), and even the forces of nature like the weather.
I must learn to let go of the outcomes and do what I can best do at every moment. Being present during the moment, yet fully expecting things to go sideways, like how teens change their minds at the last second.
I guess that’s the lot we signed up for when we became parents, even though I didn’t read it in the fine print that came with my parenting manual.
Sorry. I’m kidding. No such manual exists! (But if you know of one, please share it with me okay?!)
Still Possible To Have Beautiful Moments With Teens
Meantime though, as I’m struggling to learn how to ‘parent myself’, I also want to hold on to one beautiful truth.
Despite their protests three days ago. Despite bursting a few blood vessels trying to stay calm amidst their objections, while inwardly seething and wishing to throttle them to submission (we didn’t of course). Despite all the bickering and emotional roller-coaster, we ended up spending a pleasant day out.
Maybe it was the air outside. Or how the drizzle eventually disappeared to be replaced by a breezy, cloudy day. Or it was muscle memory returning to my teens of days gone by when they would follow their parents around like hero-worshippers or today’s fan-crazed Swifties.
Whatever it was, the whole experience that day ended beautifully.
I guess sometimes the only way to beauty is to push through the unpleasantries. Makes the end that much sweeter and more worthy of the effort!
At least until the next (deep breath) family outing.
you really have time to write!
And i get it. i am beginning to see that it is like that for my eldest already
Press on brother! Press on!!