Until a month ago, this would be my answer: My 16-year-old son will still jump onto his parents’ bed just for the fun of it!
Fast forward to today, and I’m less sure of my answer.
You see, some of the tension I had with him last year resurfaced earlier this week.
And surprise, surprise, it’s once more triggered by academic issues. (Background: After a better school performance in the first quarter of this year, my eldest boy’s test scores look like they are about to slip back down again to what it was last year)
Grades Aren’t Everything, But Maturity Is
Just to be clear, I’m not chasing after grades, though as an educator, it’s not always easy for me to draw a clear line when it comes to my children and their scholastic performances. When you’ve seen the number of students I’ve seen in more than two decades of teaching, you can’t help but live and breathe the part of a concerned teacher.
Still, I try. For I know that with my children, I cannot wear the educator’s hat with them all the time without straining our parent-child relationship.
But what I am after is more measured and mature decision-making in my son’s life. Decisions like how much time to spend playing & chillin’, versus studying and revising school work. How much time to spend outside with friends, versus time with family?
What I see this past week, though, is the same boy I had several altercations with last year. (Yep, 2024 was a very trying year for yours truly!) Altercations over his apparent lack of interest in studying more, especially when his school work was clearly on the downslide.
So, when it comes to the question of what is success for a stay-at-home dad, the answer for me (now) lies in striking the right balance between helping my children mature and finding their purpose in life as they navigate school and various learning pathways.
All without going berserk!
On Most Days, Success In Parenting Looks More Like Failure!
But the truth is, I’m a conflicted parent. One who finds, on most days, being a success at parenting requires more days of failure! More “losses” than “wins”.
This past week, I probably looked to outsiders like another “helicopter Asian Tiger parent”! This, even though my measure of success is to look for the gems in my son’s behaviour and not the germs!
To be fair, in a society like the one I’m in, it is easier said than done.
For my high-strung, high-stakes, and high-stress nation often sees people not as an end, but rather as a means to some material end that benefits themselves only. Where relationships are rejected in favour of convenience, commerce, and superficial transactions.
As harsh as that sounds, for me at least, it summarizes the challenges I daily face when I look at the world around me and my kids. How can I raise them well to resist the onslaught of messages that insist they reach an “acceptable” level of performance?
I’m fully aware that money, fame and material success is not everything (even those who think they are rarely get caught saying so in public). What matters are more the intrinsic worth of a human being, and the importance of stewarding that well so people can live with respect and dignity.
But on the other hand, I’m also aware if I don’t “school” my children about the realities that this world operates in — material wealth and status as currency for legitimacy and “worthiness”, then my children may be in for a rude shock when they enter the workforce.
Success Is Brotherly Love
All that to say, I’m still figuring out and will likely continue to figure out what success means when being a parent. Especially as a stay-at-home dad.
But I think it’s an important question because in its answer lies the hidden values of the parent.
For me, a recent scene I had the good fortune of witnessing (and capturing on my smartphone) properly summarises one of my hidden values that define success.
It’s the picture you see above of my sons in a rare moment of brotherly love and tenderness. It’s both rare and precious because on most days, especially this past week, they’re more likely to be lashing at each other’s throats rather than leaning on each other’s throats.
For me, to see such a clear display of brotherly love and affection more than makes up for all the anguish and frustration I am more likely to experience on a day-to-day basis.
That’s success!
