Late last year, I had a preliminary discussion with a fellow dad. He hosts a parenting podcast and was keen to have me on one of his second season’s new episodes this year.
He’d asked me to chat, among other things, about raising kids with grit in a VUCA world. (For those of us still living under a rock, VUCA stands for Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous)
Thinking back now, I should have told him the truth: my kids are the ones who are “raising” me with grrr…I mean, grit!
Building Grit Begins With Grrr…!
People tell me parenting looks different not just for different families, but also for different children and the different developmental stages of each child. Along with that is the reality that there are both good days and bad. Which means that the potential for frustrating moments abound.
I couldn’t agree more. Where you see happy families out and about, you also see those that look like they prefer to be anywhere else than with one another!
But for me, the real frustration is not knowing how to parent a child who’s changing with each season of life. Just when you finally figured out how to when he’s 11, in the blink of an eye he turns 16, and you’ve no clue what to do! For this, I’m referring to my oldest son who will turn 16 in less than two months (I’ve talked about him and our “skirmishes” in previous posts before, like this one).
Or worse (in a manner of speaking), parenting a child who is neurodivergent. Like my youngest who turned 14 in January. Him, I’ve written even more extensively over the past six years. After all, he was the primary motivation for me starting this blog in 2019.
Now his autism has been with us for a long time, so in theory you would think I have already reached a state of familiarity and great patience as his caregiver.
In recent times though, I feel like I’m back to square one. This is because I’ve found myself grrrr….growling more than talking when it comes to parenting him!
Parenting A Teen With ASD takes Grit
For context, my son is still very much behaving like a nine or ten year old on most days even though we celebrated his 14th birthday barely two months ago.
He still plays with his Legos that spill over on almost every part of the living room floor, table, sofa. Causing a daily mess that takes time to tidy up.
He whines and fusses over the littlest of things: food, going out, getting his TV and game time exactly when he wants them. And the biggie, homework.
And he still “reads” pictures more than words in most books he borrows from the library. If he reads words at all, it’s about what year something started (like the year football started) or some fact or other related to his favourite topic football.
In case you think I’m being irresponsible and shoving all the blame on him, well to some extent, yeah! I do that when he drives me to the brink. Til all I can do is Grrrr…..!
But before you dismiss this as rant from an unreasonable parent, live my daily life for a month. Or just a week.
Then you will know what I mean.
If parenting my kids (especially my youngest) is supposed to be a crash course in building grit, then someone needs to tell this ‘crash course’ to hurry up and wrap up the lesson already!
What If The “Crash Course” I’m Still On Is The “Destination”?
To say on most days I’m weary is truly an understatement.
And I get it. It’s the JD after all. For there’s no other “job” in the world where you find that the days are long while the years can be really short! Where kids test the very limits of your patience daily, yet before you know it, they are grown-ups. Just ask any parent whose kids are now adults living their own lives. They will tell you how much they reminisce the days of milk and mayhem.
However, for me, BOTH the days and the years can feel, many-a-time, super long! The things I now still do with him: making him go outdoors, bringing him to the library, eyeballing him as he does his homework. I mean, how many parents of a 14-year-old do them?! It’s like I’ve been parenting a seven-year-old every day for the last seven years! And he’s stayed all these years pretty much a happy-go-lucky seven-year-old.
I could go on and on, lamenting how un-ending this part of my journey of caregiving is. And how much I wish to see it over and done with.
But what if I’m meant to “sit in this space” a bit longer? What if this parenting “crash course” is suppose to be my “destination”? To mature me. Ground me. Anchor me. So that I can be the strong, unfazed, patient, even “cool” parent and adult I am meant to be?
At one point or other, both my sons have spoken of how this or that dad they’ve encountered seemed “chill” and unflappable. Whereas this here dad of theirs seems to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
Maybe I’m missing something. Or I didn’t get the “memo” on how to parent well and in a way that makes me a “cool” dad.
I hope I figure this out soon. I hope I can get my grit soon. And look chill and unfazed in the eyes of my boys.
Cause while I’m still in this phase of my “Grrrr”…well, let’s just say it takes a toll on my mental health.
Meanwhile, maybe I need to go back to my friend and his podcast to ask for time out! Or pivot to talking about what’s truly going on in my life now.
That parenting is building grit in me, not my kids!
