Today, I am returning to my guest post series with another wonderful entry from a fellow writer friend (If you are keen to be a guest writer on my blog, please check out my guidelines for guest posts by scrolling to the bottom of my About page and share your ideas with me)
Leslie Koh is a former journalist and highly experienced writer. He’s also a firm friend and fellow confidante in all things to do with writing, as well as social trends and current affairs. He first posted on my blog here. This is his second and, I fervently pray, not his last guest post here.
Hope you enjoy his writing as much as I do!
Age, it is often said, brings wisdom and experience. But it also seems to bring a host of other things, and not just dodgy knees, aching backs and rheumatism!
It also seems to come with an ever-expanding repertoire of negativity, pessimism, cynicism, and a tendency to criticise everything and everyone.
A friend of mine just came back from a holiday with his parents, and lamented about having to hear them harp incessantly on why the coffee was so weak, why the bacon was so chewy, why “they” were so stingy with the salad dressing, and why the music was so loud.
And that was just at breakfast!
It seems to confirm the stereotype of “grouchy old men”—apart from the fact that this description should include the women, too.
A friend who works with old people once told me, “Old people tend to be very negative.” At the time, I dismissed it as a rather sweeping statement, but since then, I’ve collected enough anecdotal evidence to confirm it. And some of it comes from myself.
Why So Negative?
At some level, you can’t blame the old folks (or perhaps I should say, “us old folks”) for thinking, feeling and acting this way.
Having experienced so much in life and seen such a wide variety of things, they have far more to compare with and contrast against than younger folks. No matter how new a thing they see, some past memory is likely to be better, bigger or nicer. (Hence the oft-quoted complaint, “It was better/bigger/cheaper/nicer/…last time.”)
Experiencing failure of all sorts, old folks are understandably less optimistic about things turning out well. Having met all kinds of people, they’re naturally more cynical about those they interact with in the present—including (or perhaps in some cases, especially) their own friends and relatives!
But there may be more behind the cynicism that is a little worrying, and perhaps cause for sympathy.
The tendency to criticise or dismiss something that is new and unfamiliar may arise from a growing sense of insecurity that comes from being left behind by a rapidly-changing environment. Sea changes in technology and societal trends often leave the older folks confounded and confused. Sometimes, the only way to deal with these ambiguities is to fight back with cynicism. Hanging on to past knowledge or reverting to “proven” practices can give them a semblance of control.
While the world keeps expanding in new ways, the personal worlds of older people also tend to shrink, especially if they have stopped working and engaging with the newest and latest trends. As a result, the small things in their lives become big things, and it makes them look like they’re fussing unnecessarily over the smallest details.
As I age myself — and having passed the magic middle-age number of 50 — I have to admit, I appear to be travelling in the same direction. In recent years, I’ve become noticeably more cynical and judgmental about people and situations, and less enthusiastic about opportunities and “new” experiences.
More often now, I’ll catch myself saying: “Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. And it was expensive and not well made, not like last time.”
The Down Sides Of Pessimism
To be fair, I believe there are some upsides to taking such a stance in many aspects of life.
It may enable us to be more willing to let go of things, and to be less bothered about what others think of us. (Though I find just as many counter examples of this among some older folks!)
But there are certainly downsides, apart from the irritation it causes any younger folk who actually still want to hang out with us. A generally negative approach to life is likely to make us less grateful for the things we do have. To take things and loved ones for granted. And to be unnecessarily unhappy about all and sundry.
Because we’re always seeing the empty half glass, we’re more likely to deprive ourselves of the joy and cheer that parts of life have to offer.
Compare this attitude with those of our younger counterparts, who generally seem keener to try out new things and to see the positive side of things. Without the so-called benefit of experience, they tend to be more optimistic and hopeful that things will go as planned. With more things likely to be new to them, they tend to be filled with greater wonder and enthusiasm about the things that are coming their way.
Just think of how excited the little ones always seem about everything, even a short trip to the zoo.
Older people may scoff at this naivete, but I’m starting to wonder: Is that where the magic of youth lies? Do younger people look fresher because they’re not worn down by “experience” and cynicism? Are they more energetic because they’re always looking forward to the next thing? Does their energy come not just from a younger, stronger body, but also from a fresher mind and a lighter heart?
Old Or Not, Time To Be Different… And Grateful
Perhaps it’s something we need to relearn as we age — and I speak for myself as I say this.
Perhaps we need to take deliberate, conscious steps to be more grateful for what we have, to see the positive side of things, and to find simple joy and delight in the little things in life. To look for the silver lining, instead of being distracted by the dark clouds.
I am reminded of an old pastor who advised his aged congregants to do the same. Instead of complaining when (adult) children didn’t visit them, and complaining when they did because they expected the oldies to cook for them (note the irony here), he advised them: “When your children visit you, thank God that they come and see you! And when they don’t come, thank God that you don’t have to cook for them!”
Some might dismiss this as mere positive thinking and say, “You’re just bluffing yourself.” But isn’t that what building mental strength is all about? When we are stuck in situations that we can’t change, we change our thinking and attitudes, and that can make all the difference.
As for the constant harking back to “the good old days”, an older friend once shared with me that he was trying to accumulate new experiences, so that his repertoire of experiences and tales would not be repeated ad nauseum. In a way, he was trying to let go of the past and get a firmer grip of the present.
As we slowly head towards retirement, perhaps these are challenges to consider taking on. Many people tend to focus on the external aspects of retirement, such as how much funds they need or what they will do with their free time. The wiser ones also focus on the internal, such as how to maintain a sense of purpose and to continue leading a meaningful existence while helping others.
But perhaps we need to focus on the heart, too, and think about how we can remain grateful and stay cheerful and positive about life.
And maybe, just maybe, we might find the key to staying young.
Leslie Koh is a former journalist and a current freelance writer & editor. He loves travelling, eating, running… and of course, writing and editing! Feel free to check out his other writings here.
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