A few recent incidents had me diving back into my old blog posts that talked about raising boys.
As a boy-dad, it’s hard to ignore how violence and toxic masculinity seem to show up more and more in recent years. We often look to addictive video games, social media, and the prevalent culture of the times as culprits. And the very real, and very present phenomenon called peer pressure, that dogs us all throughout history. But especially teens.
A recent mini-series really made me think I should do more to keep a tight watch on the online space.
One thing’s for sure, I don’t think I’m being overly worried. In fact, the reverse seems more to be the case.
I’m not worried enough!
The State of Man
Slightly more than a month ago, an Australian TV series called The State of Man was released online. It felt like a follow-up to another similar documentary released by Netflix in March called Louis Theroux: Into The Manosphere. The latter explored an ultra-masculine network and its polarizing influencers, such as the infamous Andrew Tate.
Hosted by the award-winning Australian tech journalist and media personality Marc Fennell, The State of Man plunges into the heart of masculinity in Australia. It explored the online world of the manosphere, the machinery cashing in on the search for what it means to be a man, and what’s shaping the next generation.
While I don’t wish to give away the plot of this 3-episode documentary series, the show has reminded me of something very important. As a dad to sons, I cannot let up in keeping a close watch on the cultural rhetoric that permeates the online world. And, by extension, the real world.
With the proliferation of AI today, the imperative for parents not to let up on vigilance has skyrocketed up several miles!
One specific scene in this docuseries really affected host Fennell, and in turn, worried parents like me.
In that scene, Fennell was wrapping up an interview with a former incel, now an adult who looks to be in his 30s. Once reclusive and wrapped up in the dark web that promulgated all things manospheric, the interviewee was slowly coming out of his shell. Trying to turn his life around by being more active and less cooped up at home.
On the surface, that sounded hopeful. Until we see the way he has chosen to do so — going to the gym to bulk up. His rationale was that doing so will attract the opposite sex to pay him attention. Something he never got.
Looking at him, it was hard not to feel a wave of pity and concern. The fact that, in his mind, this was what it took to be accepted really floored host Fennell. After assuring the man that he has intrinsic value and worth whether he bulks up or not, Fennell left his home downcast, as the former incel appeared unmoved by Fennell’s words of encouragement.
How Do We Help Boys Build A Healthy Identity As Men?
Recent incidents involving both my sons have once again reminded me of something important.
The online world is ever ready to fill them with values of the manosphere. Values that will circumvent the efforts of well-intentioned parents hoping to raise good men.
From bullying (both in the cyber and real world), as well as other dangerous vices that came to light recently, I now have some first-hand experience how unscrupulous “agents” (often referred to these days as malicious state actors) can turn my sons’ outlook on the world towards violence and misogyny.
Without going into details (though some old blog posts I’ve uploaded before have alluded to them), I can only say that this battle, of me (parent) against the world, is an ongoing one!
If I’m being honest, I feel quite helpless against such forces that can be so overpowering. It often feels like a classic case of ‘small, insignificant’ me in my home, against the ‘big, juggernaut’ of a (virtual) world out there. David versus Goliath, if you will.
The perennial question of how to raise up boys to be decent men just keeps getting harder and harder to answer.
Right now, despite having wrestled with this question for quite a while (and blogging often about it), I still feel quite clueless.
I Won’t Give Up On My Sons!
By no means, however, do I plan to throw in the towel and simply let the world take over and parent my sons. That would be tantamount to giving them up for adoption!
So I will continue to show up for my boys. Be present and available. Keep a closer watch as to what they see whenever they are on their screens. Monitor their friends as closely as I can. Talk about current affairs and history. Model for them what a man ought to be (or at least discuss what a man ought NOT to be). Love them unconditionally, no matter how many times they blunder, and they will. (As will I)
And worry regularly enough about them. Not in an unhealthy, stressful way. But in a way that galvanises me into action. Taking concrete steps to shepherd their growth and development well.
To counteract the toxic world they, unfortunately, have now inherited from my generation.
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