By now, followers of my blog would know C, my son with moderate ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and my youngest of two teen boys. I talk about him very often in my blog. In fact, he’s the reason I started this blog in the first place.
Today, I’m going to talk about him again. Specifically, I’m going to talk about the challenges of raising non-violent boys with ASD. And how I’ve barely a clue how to meet those challenges well!
Like the latest challenge.
Strangulation!
“Oh Dear. The Teacher Just Send Us A Text.”
Most parents would agree that, in general, they have no desire to receive unexpected text messages from their child’s school. As they say, no news is good news.
This week, unfortunately, C’s mom and I got more than one of those text messages.
The first one came five days ago. It was a text message from Mr W, his form teacher (or class coach as they are referred to in his school).
The message?
“…C informed (the support) teacher that his classmate had made a kissing gesture towards him. When asked, the classmate initially smiled and then denied making the gesture. Shortly after, same teacher noticed that C was strangling the classmate who was struggling to pull himself away. Teacher immediately intervened and separated them.”
Then two days ago, we received again from Mr. W a similar message, saying…
“…C strangled another classmate today. So far from the information gathered, it was about the classmate being slow. He may do it as a joke but I have spoken to him previously when it happened a few days ago not to do it. I told him that he has a few classmates with complicated medical conditions and a light or playful strangle can end up very serious...
…In addition, he grabbed a classmate by his shirt this morning. I have spoken to him about it and reminded him not to do that. In general, it was because he thinks one of his classmates was disturbing another.”
Clearly we were alarmed.
But sad to say, not exactly surprised.
What People Don’t See
One of the realities of raising a son with ASD into the teen years is that puberty becomes a more perilous season of life than it would be for most neurotypical teens.
Reason? ASD teens have a lot less cognitive grasp of what are hormones, how their body is changing, and how all of this conspire to change their moods and feelings. ASD kids also lack the vocabulary to express what’s raging within them. This is the case, even if parents like me take pains to explain carefully what’s going on, using age & cognitively-appropriate vocabulary and materials to do so.
And to do so repeatedly!
Until today, C still doesn’t fully grasp what his mom and I mean as we counsel him. To him, it’s exclusively about responding to primal urges and the need to “explore” this phase of his physiological development.
Truly a heady mix, puberty and ASD!
According to one study:
…among the challenges of ASD in adolescence, behavioral problems are particularly prominent, affecting families, caregivers, medical professionals, and educators. Common behavioral issues in adolescents with ASD include self-injurious behaviors (such as head banging or biting), physical or verbal aggression endangering others or property, refusal to comply with instructions, and legal issues stemming from norm violations.
Having witnessed first hand physical aggressions in older teens with more severe forms of ASD, I can certainly attest to the above.
In contrast, C’s “aggression” has so far been fairly mild, even ordinary. From spewing the occasional verbal vulgarity (s**t, f**k being the most common, thanks mostly to indoctrination by media and classmates), to mildly shoving his mom (despite repeated warnings not to), C has been more than manageable on most days.
This strangulation aggression however, warrants closer inspection as to where he picked up this behaviour, the trigger(s) he had in school this week, and what recourse we have at our disposal.
“Stop Before I Wring Your Neck!”
First off we had to establish where he picked up the behaviour from. And what was the trigger for him in school this week.
When we questioned C, he told us that he picked up his unruly behaviour from watching Star Wars and other similar YouTube video clips. No doubt the occasional ‘manly’ films we allowed him to watch in recent years (like Mission Impossible, James Bond and even Die Hard) might have done the trick too (yes I hear ya — bad daddy, bad bad daddy!). Planting the idea that violence wins.
As for trigger, it was how he saw his classmates doing things that irked him. They either moved from point A to B too slowly, or provoked him first as the messages Mr W sent us indicated.
For C, the way to handle it was to, literally, fly off the handle and to wring his friend’s neck!
Over dinner two nights ago, myself as well as his mom and older brother, tried different ways to talk to C. To get him to see how violence was a bad idea and to explore alternative ways instead.
In the end, C was willing to settle for a non-contact approach. This involved using a hands out, palms outward motion directed at his friends. To signal them to stop whatever they were doing that triggered him.
Still, it was clearly a reluctant concession on his part. But at least he was more than willing to return to school the next day to apologise to his friend and teacher.
Needless to say, there will need to be more conversations and recalibrations to help C avoid the path of becoming a menace to his friends and family. To learn better ways to express himself and what he needs without resorting to violence.
In short, our unfinished autism journey continues.
A Walk To Remember
This morning, we brought C out for an event called Walk Of A Lifetime that took place at one of our most pristine man-made parks, Gardens By The Bay Meadows.
It was an annual autism advocacy event that invited folks to join families with special needs children and adults for a short 2 kilometre walk around beautifully manicured foliage. The purpose was to deepen their understanding of autism and learn about the diverse experiences of persons on the spectrum and their families. To break down misconceptions, build empathy, and champion a more inclusive society.
Along the walk, organisers stationed various quotable quotes printed on standees or body-worn placards that really got me thinking as a parent to C how much I still need to learn about being a better father and role model to him.
Below are two of the many photographs we took with some of those quotes.
May I take time in the coming days to reflect on what they mean and how they will help me in this still unfinished lifetime autism journey my family continues to walk upon.
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