It’s been a rough fortnight for me. But three days ago my counselor offered up an unexpected and surprising “cure” to my woes: daily hugs!
You must be wondering how this came about.
This new year 2025 has certainly kicked off in ways both expected and not.
Expected, because this is the period leading up to our big move to a temporary abode (my in-law’s place) at the end of March as the buyers of our home move in. This will be followed by three months of waiting while our new permanent home gets a total makeover (the seller had lived there nearly four decades with little upkeep!)
Expected, because my sons are in critical years of study in 2025. My eldest will take his O levels at the end of the year, and my youngest just entered his first year in secondary education last month. As the stay home dad and go-to parent for academics (I am still a tertiary educator by trade, albeit part-time), it’s on me to help keep tabs on their progress.
So what is unexpected?
Unexpected was the last minute work crisis two weeks ago that took me a week to rectify!
Unexpected was the sudden mental breakdown I had in front of my spouse three weeks ago when agonising over the dreaded CNY season I have every year as I face the prospect of meeting toxic family members and relatives.
And unexpected was the toll that all of the above-mentioned took on my peace of mind and self-care these past couple of weeks.
My Struggle With Mental Health
It’s no big secret that I’ve spent the last few years dealing with my mental health. Four years ago, I spoke about my struggles in this post where I mentioned that I started seeing a counsellor to help me process through my anxiety and depression.
Ever since I left full-time employment in 2018 and pivoted to full-time parenting, with the occasional gig work on the side, I’ve struggled mentally with issues like self-identity and strained inter-personal relationships with extended family members and friends. These struggles have also found their way into various blog posts over the past six years since I uploaded my first blog post in April of 2019.
The unavoidable truth is that overcoming my anxiety and restoring my mental health takes time. And no one knows how long it will take, because that’s the universal nature of such struggles. They are more often than not, long-drawn. And sometimes the same coping mechanism might not work anymore even if it did before.
Over time, I’ve started to notice some or all of the following symptoms when I’m in a funk:
– lack of, or disrupted, sleep
– tightness in my chest and feelings of panic that center in my torso region
– piles, flatulence, headaches, and migraines
– more frequent feelings of hunger
– restless thoughts that spiral
– impatience
– feelings of helplessness
– lack of motivation to do anything, even things that typically spark joy for me
What Helps? Apparently, Among Other Things, Hugs!
As we were talking on Wednesday, my counsellor started asking me what I thought had helped me stay afloat during the past two weeks when different things in life were coming at me. When it felt for me at times like I was being attacked by a garden hose that’s gone rogue!
His point was that while we can’t dictate where life hits us, we can grow our capacity to absorb its shocks if we fill ourselves regularly with experiences that uplift us. Kinda like adding a tablespoon of salt (life’s hits) in a glass of water (our capacity to absorb the hits) versus a pool of water. The former will significantly change the water’s taste to be salty and unpleasant; the latter, hardly any difference.
After some thought, I told him the following experiences that I’ve found empowering:
– long walks outdoors, preferably in nature
– swimming
– meeting up with people who love (and get) me unconditionally
– having conversations with them that inspire or encourage me when I share my struggles
– letting them do something nice for me spontaneously and without prompt
– re-listening to audio materials that lift up my spirits, like songs, audiobooks, podcasts, and motivational talks
– a tight bear hug.
Hearing myself say that last one out aloud to him took me by surprise!
Hugs Are Part Of My Love Language
By now, most would have heard about the Five Love Languages.
I have too, but I never really paid very close attention, believing them to be just another one of those self-help gimmicks designed by profiteers. After all, surely there are more than five love languages, just like there are more than five people in this world?!
Well, as it turns out, of the five love languages (Acts of Service. Receiving Gifts. Quality Time. Words of Affirmation. Physical Touch), four of the five came to me all at once recently. And the last one – Physical Touch – in the form of tight bear hugs, did the trick. It increased my oxytocin (“love” hormone), reduced my cortisol (“stress” hormone), and restored my “equilibrium”!
It happened on Monday, after an early morning walk by the beach (Quality Time) with a new friend. We talked long and deep about life with him offering me lots of encouragement and support (Words of Affirmation). We ended the walk with him taking off my hands a bag of toys my boys no longer played with (Acts of Service).
And a tight bear hug (Physical Touch)!
Four out of five. And with the last one staying with me days after, granting me comfort as I navigate life.
This came as a shock to me. I was raised in a family that avoided (consciously or otherwise) nearly all five love languages. Neither is my traditional Chinese ethnic culture known for its physical expressions of love.
But as it turns out, hugs were exactly what I needed. So no surprise what happened at the end of my counselling session on Wednesday — I got a great bear hug.
And no surprise that now, to better manage stress, daily hugs are my new go-to jam!
Well done, Kelvin. You wrote transparently and specifically- others are being helped as you detail your personal journey. This took courage!