On Monday, our national daily printed a forum letter I sent them in response to a commentary piece one of their writers put out a few days before.
As always, due to space constraints, the editor only printed a condensed version of my letter. As such, I’ve decided to reproduce the original version here instead.
But first, let me set the context for those unfamiliar with the issue.
Declining Total Fertility Rate (TFR) — fewer moms & babes
For a long time now, my country has been struggling to keep up our TFR (or Total Fertility Rate). TFR indicates if a country is healthily replacing its population over time.
Based on the latest government statistics, my country’s TFR went down to a historic low of 1.04 in 2022. The only country in the world worse off was South Korea at 0.78. As a benchmark, the average TFR in most OECD nations was 1.59 in 2020, while the ideal TFR for most nations should be 2.1
Many hot-button issues and reasons are typically cited for countries like ours with such low birth rates. Higher costs of living, especially housing. The relentless pursuit of ever-increasing affluence. More alternative lifestyle choices that aren’t considered fringe or taboo anymore. Later marriages. Postponed/complicated pregnancies due to the advanced age of mothers. Infant/childcare challenges.
To reverse the TFR, my government has tried to throw all it can at the problem with the usual — baby bonuses, extended parental care leave, child care subsidies, etc. Solutions other governments, like those in Japan and EU nations, are likewise attempting too. Or have attempted with generally minimal success.
So how do we rescue this dire situation? (In case anyone thinks this isn’t dire, and we’re simply making a mountain out of a molehill, I hope to say more about this in a future post)
Can dads (men) rescue TFRs, moms, and babes?
While I certainly don’t have the answers on how we can reverse the slide, I’m doubtful the existing measures I alluded to earlier show the powers that be to have the answers either.
One thing I can applaud though is that in recent years, the role of fathers seems to be getting some spotlight.
In particular, when the government here increased paternity leave from two weeks to four this year, it seemed to signal their recognition of the important role fathers play in child-raising.
But will there be a strong take-up?
Unlike say in Sweden, hands-on fathering isn’t an entrenched cultural value here. Unlike oh I don’t know, working long hours, pleasing the bottomline-driven bosses (male AND female), and ensuring your colleagues always regard you as an ever-present and reliable team player at work?
Why else would less than 50% of fathers take up paternity leave between 2018 and 2020, if not for fear others will see them not embracing those material world values I just rattled off?
Yet, to reverse TFR and increase the nation’s population in the long run, fathers, mothers, and political/commercial/community leaders everywhere must prioritize parenting. For real, and not just for appearance’s sake.
And since two out of three of those categories are typically men, I believe it is them (and not just moms) we need to focus our attention on. And to get their buy-in!
Moms, don’t shoulder the burden alone.
So with all that context, let’s dive into my letter of appeal, shall we?
Due to the complexity of this parenting issue, the letter only highlights one stark reality that prevents more dads like me from being more “involved”. (There are definitely many, many more realities parents must contend with!)
Have a read and let me know your thoughts ok?
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Society still views moms, not dads, as playing bigger role in child-raising
I’m struck by the piece “Why some women are shunning marriage and giving motherhood a miss” by Amelia Teng (2024 Feb 8, ST), where the writer ended off by suggesting society should ask men how they juggle work and family. I believe the question should be directed instead to the society-at-large.
As someone part of a community of stay-at-home dads, I can tell you the challenge we face is often more about how we deal with perceptions of us by society.
Even though more fathers now play a bigger role in child raising — from doing the school runs to solo parenting kids in public places like parks and shopping malls — society still views such roles as more acceptable if undertaken by mothers.
How dads, not moms, are sidelined when it comes to parenting
It’s not unheard of in our community of dads to find stories of men being sidelined when it comes to everything about parenting.
I recall once bringing my son for a check-up at a children’s hospital. My wife was with us too. Throughout the consult, the lady doctor would angle her entire body towards my wife, and talk about my son’s situation exclusively to her. Not once did she look at my son and me, or address us. It was like we weren’t in the room!
When it was over and my wife and child had stepped out of the clinic, I stayed behind to tell that doctor I wasn’t a decorative vase. I wanted her to know I was as much a caregiver to my son as my wife was. In fact, on most days I was the stay-at-home parent and not my wife.
Some may well say what I perceived as that doctor’s slight was likely unintentional on her part. And I would be the first to agree. But the fact that it could be unintentional already speaks volumes about how entrenched this idea of mothers being the primary caregiver is in society.
Calling a stay-at-home dad a ‘housewife’
Based on interactions with fellow dads in our community, I knew my experience was neither unique nor limited only to hospitals. Another dad shared that a supermarket counter staff who saw him regularly on his family grocery runs once asked him if he was a housewife! Not house husband, mind you. She actually used the term “housewife”, even though there before her was clearly a man.
If even the womenfolk in society (as my two examples showcased) continue to propagate parenting stereotypes, is it any wonder the burden of raising children here will continue to fall disproportionately on women?
