The following post I wrote last month first appeared here.
[TLDR: Changing the parenting script from one that incorporates hurtful words to one that affirms our kids. To avoid adverse childhood experiences that may scar them into adulthood.]
Before we dive into a discussion on how to rewrite the parenting script, there’s something we need to think through. As with any script, we need to first understand what the original version was and how it came about.
In the case of parenting scripts, we first need to know how it was like for our parents when they were kids being raised by their parents. Because, as it’s often said and experienced, many of us parent the way we ourselves were parented!
Parenting in the past
In modern times, parenting tips are bandied around a lot. In fact, every parent today can get spot-on help in real time with a simple click of a computer mouse, a flick of their finger as they scroll through their social media feeds, or by calling upon Gemini, Siri, ChatGPT or any number of AI-enabled software. Not forgetting of course consulting other humans – friends, colleagues and so on.
But in the old days, parenting wasn’t seen as a skill to be honed or tips to be learned. Nor were parenting articles and books relentlessly occupying newspaper and magazine columns, or lining shelf after shelf in bookstores and libraries like they are now. (Don’t even get me started on today’s digital spaces, where mummy blogs and daddy podcasts are all the rage!)
Parenting in the old days was just something that was done. Period. No pregnant (pun fully intended) pauses. Or moments for contemplation. Or workshops to attend on how to raise great kids. People simply went about their daily lives looking after the little ones the way they saw fit, or how they saw their neighbours do it.
Not only that, but parenting was something done not just by a father and a mother. It often involved a community – extended family, distant relatives, neighbours and even fellow villagers or town folks within a radius of 500 metres regularly chipped in to look after and watch over one another’s kids.
That often means the oldest person in any given space is typically the one seen as the sage on the stage. The one that calls the shots, so to speak, as to how to raise kids. Which unfortunately, can be a double-edged sword, if you acknowledge the existence of what psychologists term adverse childhood experiences (ACE).
Adverse childhood experiences
These refer to traumatic events people undergo in their childhood, such as emotional neglect, abuse, parental death or separation, just to name a few.
The impact of such events, which usually happen in the first 18 years of life, continues in direct and indirect ways across a person’s lifespan, and leads to higher costs of healthcare and productivity losses at work.
According to the Singapore Mental Health Study by the Institute of Mental Health and KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital that was released in June 2024, the economic and social costs of ACE can amount to some $1.18 billion a year in absenteeism, reduced productivity and use of healthcare resources in our country.
In an earlier part of the study that began in 2016, it was found that two out of three grown-ups here have ACE. It would be no surprise if some of these ACE were “bestowed” upon them by the elders and adults in their lives while growing up, beginning with spoken words that wound.
Being “dis-ed” from young
The unavoidable truth of life is that elders often hold sway and authority in every culture. What they say often gets transmitted (or worse, committed) to their children’s and grandchildren’s (listening) muscle memory.
Especially stuff that sounds “dis”, or dismissive and disrespectful.
Stuff like, “Shhh…kids should be seen, not heard”. “Do as you’re told!” “Stop being a cry-baby.” “You’re a good-for-nothing!”
Growing up, our ancestors, parents and ourselves have all heard versions of these before, and many more such curt one-liners. Even now, we still hear them. And if we’re being honest, we’re also the ones who often say them!
The reason is simple: Muscle memory kicks in, especially when time is tight and tempers are taut. So when we adults want a quick fix, these one-liners often do the trick of helping us parents and grandparents grab attention, maintain order and wrangle obeisance from our kids.
Even if for a few minutes.
However, these hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run.
Far worse is the very real possibility that kids grow up not loving and believing in themselves, but needing constant reassurance that they have intrinsic worth and are more than enough.
Let’s rewrite the parenting script!
While it might be too late for the sage elderlies in our midst to change their set ways, there is still plenty of opportunity for the current generation of parents to rewrite the script.
For instance, instead of shushing a child who wants to be heard, gently guide the child on when is an appropriate moment to speak, especially if, say, you’re hosting many guests but your child needs your attention.
Instead of saying “Do as you’re told”, why not ask the child how he or she would like to do whatever is the pressing task at hand. Turn it into a teachable moment on how to negotiate, which is a prized soft skill in any human setting.
“You’re a good-for-nothing” is often said in a heated moment (and for the most part, does not represent how the parent truly feels about his or her child). Instead, take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset to the point of saying something so harsh.
Granted, these will require from parents a lot more patience and practice than the knee-jerk one-liners hastily blurted out in so many an unfortunate parent-child moment. And for sure, most of us will not succeed right away to rewrite the parenting script handed down to us.
Still, we shouldn’t give up but persevere.
For surely the last thing anyone wants is to raise up a generation where, instead of two, now three out of three adults have ACE!
Right?
