Famous author and Oxford University Professor CS Lewis once remarked: Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’ I’m guessing, though I’m sure it’s not a stretch, that he must also have had community in mind when he said that.
I think his remark nicely sums up what I sensed in the room I shared with some 18 other folks eight days ago at a Community Of Practice session organised by a ground-up consultancy called CG or Common Ground.
Before I get into that session about how to build and sustain communities, a little backstory.
Space For My Community At Common Ground
In 2023, a small group of stay home dads came together, thanks to a wonderful gentleman I got to know in 2021 when an op-ed I wrote about my stay home parenting journey was published during the weekend of the annual Father’s Day in June, and caught his attention.
That first community meeting in March 2023 he organised (we didn’t realise yet at that time that it was a community) saw six dads coming together at a mall coffee joint (that’s us in the picture above!). That meeting was fruitfully spent getting to know one another, and to share our journeys as intentional dads and primary caregivers to our children.
We met a second time in the same venue less than two months later where we saw our numbers nearly doubled! Clearly something was going on. Unfortunately, the people managing the place ‘chased’ us out after an hour (without good reason, and with less than half their customer tables filled) and we had to hastily reconvene at a food court upstairs instead.
Thankfully, Common Ground or CG stepped in a month later (thanks again to that same wonderful gentleman and his connections) to offer us their venue for free. Our little assembly was precisely the kind CG existed to support — ground up social initiatives that needed help to get started or keep going. The support CG gave came in various forms. Some forms were financial, others logistics and training, and still others via strategic planning and facilitation.
In our case, it was the offer of their venue. For free.
Having A Venue For Building Communities Is Crucial
The great thing about their venue was that it was air-conditioned, and could easily accommodate over 50 people comfortably. Lots of throw bean bags, a couple of lounge sofas, and raised carpeted flooring helped too. Our ragtag bunch of stay home dads now have a relaxed and fairly private area to meet and chat freely. No more competing for tables with cafe customers, nor put up with ambient noise.
Community could flourish.
And we did, calling ourselves The Ordinary Dad!
Within a year, we grew to over 40 in numbers, thanks to our regular monthly meetings at CG’s lovely venue. A year after that, we grew to nearly 100!
So no surprise after two and a half years of such unexpected growth (we now have over 100 members), I was invited by the CG folks to drop in on their Community Of Practice (COP) series to share my experience building and sustaining our community of dads.
And that’s exactly what I did eight days ago on the evening of Sep 26.
What I Learned About Building And Sustaining Community
The COP or Community Of Practice session that took place last week was the third in a five-part series organised by CG.
The purpose of these sessions?
To bring together community builders, enablers, and enthusiasts (or just the curious) to pause and examine how communities are formed and what it takes to keep them going, or even end them gracefully (I may one day in the not-too-distant future have occasion to speak to that).
As one of the beneficiaries of CG’s generosity, it was only right I accepted their invitation to share what I’ve learned in helping to start and build up my community.
While I hardly considered myself an expert, the truth is there probably are none out there. Or at least none more expert apart from the communities they are plugged into and thus are most familiar with.
So maybe I’m not so much an expert but one of many way finders sharing my experience. And leaving the audience to pick and choose what they resonate with (or not) from what I’ve learned and shared with them.
Which included, among other points I shared, the following:
1. A Felt Need Unmet
I began my 15-minute sharing describing how my community of dads was formed.
It started with two stay-at-home dads (SAHDs) who felt lonely and needed to connect with other men who understood and even lived their journey as SAHDs.
In short, finding a way to meet a felt need for connection.
There’s a certain authenticity and natural feel to a community that begins with unmet needs felt and unabashedly expressed. Especially among men, who are typically stoic and non-expressive in front of others when it comes to personal vulnerabilities.
2. Relational, Not Functional
In my sharing I emphasised that keeping the whole community on a relational, rather than functional footing, anchored and grew the group.
We were more than merely a collection of dudes playing pickle ball. Or kumbaya-ing over a campfire or a game of cards. And we most certainly were not noble knights coming together. To advocate for worthy causes like social equality or climate change.
We were just individuals looking to find someone like us. To empathise and walk the challenging route of a SAHD together.
In short, one way finder seeking another. While we don’t have the answers, we don’t need them as much as we need one another. To stave off loneliness. To feel part of something bigger than ourselves.
3. Having A Stake
For a community to thrive, each member needs to feel they are wanted and have a role to play for the good of everyone else (and themselves of course).
This, in my opinion, will naturally lead to one of three possible outcomes — Engaged members. Silent Observers. Those who will eventually exit.
Needless to say you will need more of the first for the community to survive.
Post Session Feedback
With any sharing, I’m never 100% sure if what was shared helped the audience. Or at least make their attendance worth their while.
So I was grateful that the CG organisers collected the following feedback which really encouraged me:
•The moment when kelvin and shireen (the other speaker at the session) organically had a panel discussion, each bringing really valid perspectives in community building stages and life seasons. Good curation and matching of community builders by the CG team, that allowed for such organic and complementary discussions to unfold
•When Kelvin shared that even if The Ordinary Dad did not exist the next day, he will be a little sad but okay with it. It reminded me / community builders to be honest about why a community exists.
•kelvin’s presentation was very compelling and the photos of his community made me very happy seeing how wholesome it is
Save to say, the audience picked up some useful knowledge that evening, going by the above comments post session.
Good. I felt both grateful and humbled that my experience touched them and gave them much food for thought. Not bad for a guy who never set out to form a community. Merely looking for fellow way finders.
Then again, as with any community, the future is uncertain so the learning continues for me.
But for now, I’m happy I had a platform to share. And a way for me to consolidate and process my own raw and unfinished journey learning about the power of community building and beholding.
