Welcome back to the final post for this mini-series I started two weeks ago. It’s all about 15 things I learned after 15 years of parenting.
For those who are stumbling upon this for the first time, do visit the two previous posts before reading on ok?
What 15 Years Of Parenting Taught Me | Part 3
Four days ago, I met and had an interesting chat with two dads over a cup of coffee. These were “boy-dads” just like me. And the ages of our sons were pretty close too. One had a 17 year old while the other had two sons aged 14 and 11. With mine situated nicely between these dads (my sons are 15 and 13 now), you can bet a lot of our chat centred around the challenges we faced raising teens as we navigate our second parenting decade.
So what did we share that has helped in part to cement for me this final post on 15 years of parenting?
Well, before I go on, I have a confession to make.
As I’m wrapping up this mini-series today, I’m still in the thralls of figuring out how to parent my teens well.
So the irony of my writing such a mini-series now isn’t lost on me. And if anyone reading this thinks my confession here paints me a hypocrite? Well, take a number please, cos I’ve got first pickings tearing into me for such audacity!
My only defence is that I don’t want to wait to learn what I still need to learn before sharing. For, given my incompetence at parenting, I might never get around to penning this post!
So here goes my final five things learned these last 15 years.
11. Immersion
I believe cultural empathy is an important attribute we need to have, now that this interconnected world has shrunk into the size of a virtual village. With a click of a digital mouse or a tap on our mobile devices, we instantly know what’s going on anywhere in the world.
But let’s face it.
Learning and exploring, remotely or in person, exotic locations. Witnessing culture foreign to our own for a week or two during vacations. These hardly qualify as immersions into a different way of life. They barely scratch the surface and will always fall short of the true spirit of cultural immersion that helps one develop empathy.
To truly understand and develop cultural empathy, one needs to spend a protracted amount of time in said culture. Like the two dads I met. One was Canadian and the other Columbian. Together they’ve lived here for close to 20 years. Now that’s immersion!
Like them, I too (before I became a parent) have spent some time living abroad. I still carry with me today an awareness of subtle nuances like how to greet and hold conversations with someone from another culture. How to behave in a culturally-appropriate way when visiting the homes of foreign friends that I might not have had, had I lacked that exposure way back.
And in a “village-world” like ours today, I firmly believe my children need to learn how others outside our borders live. If only to help them cultivate empathy, or at the very least pick up other languages and life skills they won’t find here.
Fifteen years on, I wonder if it’s too late now to uproot ourselves and immerse elsewhere. A decision I should have made but didn’t. (Fodder for another day’s post?)
12. Encouragement
It feels ridiculous that I have to even say this. Isn’t it obvious that we all can do with a healthy, daily dose of encouragement in our lives, and even more in the lives of our kids?
Yet, if you are familiar with Asian culture at all, then you would know there is an odd stigma attached to praising children in this part of the world. No doubt the result of some nonsensical old wive’s tale that fears too much praise and encouragement will either jinx the streak of good fortune for the kid and his/her family, or inflate the kid’s ego.
What typically happens is that many Asian parents choose to point out mistakes and drawbacks about their kids as a way to check and rein them in to ensure obedience. And often times, the way parents here point out failures is tantamount to corporal punishment!
Pity, but despite recognising this toxic way of life, I’m often powerless to reverse its indoctrination into my very bones, thanks to my stereotypical Asian upbringing.
So everyday now, I try to remind myself to look for opportunities, however small, to praise my sons and help build their self-esteem. Still a work-in-progress, but at least I am better aware now of the consequences otherwise.
13. Teamwork
From one ridiculous point to another.
This too seems way too obvious a point to need mention. Yet when I look at my kids and my students (I’ve been an educator for over 20 years) I realise there’s still so much I could do as a parent to instil values of cooperation and teamwork in them.
Creating opportunities from young for kids to play together is one thing. But in the course of that play, it’s vital that, as a parent, I look for ways to help them learn the power of teamwork and to see how the output of that is oftentimes far greater and more valuable than what they can accomplish on their own.
Again, given the interconnectedness and interdependency of our world today, teamwork as an attribute and way of life will only become more, not less, important as a life skill to nurture.
14. Peers
We’re now nearly in the mid 2020’s. Today, short attention span goes hand in hand with the SMS-es young folks send one another.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t see this trend reversing. More likely it’ll double down even more as AI and technology continue their relentless advance. Add to that the growing power of peer influence as kids enter teenhood, and it’s not hard to see the imperative on us to monitor this new world communication paradigm more closely.
If we want to keep tabs on what’s going on in the lives of our teenagers.
Also, along with the short attention span and messages, is the awareness that peers wield greater and greater influence on our teens as they grow older. Which means who your kids have now (and in the future) as friends matters. A lot.
Parents can save themselves a lot of anxiety and grief if they take pains to help surround their children with good friends from an early age. In the pre-school and even early primary school years, this means parents should take the lead to organise parties and gatherings. These help kids grow their tribe of friends in full view of parents. Not only that, like-minded parents themselves can form a community of mutual support and raise their children together over time.
I’m grateful my wife and I have helped cultivate for my eldest a couple of friendships for him since his kindy days. Today, they are still close friends, and in turn we the parents are a mere SMS away from one another.
15. Trust
Finally, I’ve saved (I hope) the best for last.
For all that I’ve expounded upon these past three weeks, I feel I owe it to parents everywhere to end with a note of encouragement (something I know I always wish to have more of myself!).
And the encouragement is this: trust your intentional parenting of your children since they were young. Trust that it will all work out as they grow older.
For if you’re like me, we’re often quicker at self-blame than we are at patting our shoulders for a day’s parenting well done. Because it can often feel like self-congratulations might be the fastest way to letting down our guard. And which parent wants that? Especially if the safety of our loved ones is at stake!
So, rather than busking in the moment when our little one finally learned to cross a neighbourhood alley safely, we instead hastily squelch the thought and replace it with one like “now will he/she be able to safely cross the busy downtown traffic junction next?” The proverbial panic button!
Parents, cut yourself some slack okay? Trust that the good work you’ve begun will bear fruit in time to come.
My Parenting “Disclosure”
And now, for full disclosure.
That last point is one I have the hardest time with myself. Especially this season, as I struggle parenting a belligerent 15-year-old. As much as I’ve invested the past several years in his life (and his brother’s), especially the more recent ones as a stay-home dad, I still have little clue or sign it’ll all work out.
So if anyone needs trust now, it’s me.
If only I can fast forward 15 years and read my future blog post about how parenting after 30 years looks like!
Will I find this last point to be true in my parenting?
I guess only time will tell.
As a Grandfather now, I heartily add my “YES” to this final segment,of your 3-part segment. Well said.