I’ve not handwritten a letter to my firstborn (now six months shy of turning 18 years old) in a very long time. So when it finally happened last month, you can bet the circumstances surrounding it was nothing less than significant!
And it was.
For the sake of posterity, I’m reproducing an edited version of it here. I hope that some day, both he and I can look back on this and realise that it helped turn a corner in our father-son relationship that showed we’ve both grown in ways we never expected.
[As you read this letter all the way through, it might sound like things between us were irreparable. But hang tight for Part 2 of this post next week when I tell you what he did after reading my letter. And what made me a proud, but also humble, dad!]
A Letter from Dad to J (dated 2026 Sep, 22)
Dear J
Two nights ago was when the (last) straw finally broke the camel’s back. Or I should say, MY back!
Having repeatedly (and I do mean repeatedly) told you NOT to bring your mobile phone into the toilet at home, you continue to ignore me and did as you please.
It was as if my words had fallen on deaf ears!
This was even after I pasted a sign in the loo in BOLD red colour, specifically to say No phones here.
Any wonder I finally lost my temper that night?!
What Was I Thinking? What Were You Thinking?
The whole time I was scolding you, I kept thinking to myself:
- My son thinks he’s above obeying his parents
- My son pays no heed because he thinks my words mean nothing
- Even though I’m the head of the household and the father in this family, my children can continue to ignore my instructions and do as they please.
- My son thinks I’m making a “mountain” (medical risk of contracting piles, as well as teen screentime and quick dopamine-hit addiction) out of a “molehill” (“harmless” act of bringing phone into loo to doomscroll and sit on your ‘throne’ for up to an hour while doing your ‘big business’)
- My son’s facial expression and body language (eyes looking anywhere but at me; face twisted in an arrogant sneer most of the time; legs shuffling restlessly as though poised to run off at the first opportunity) communicated nothing to me but arrogance and willful defiance!
Tell me, if you were me, how would you behave towards your child with all of the thoughts above circling in your head?
While you did apologise to me when we went to the coffeeshop for lunch the next day, I took your apology as hollow because it was your mom who told you to do it. You already had every opportunity (to apologise on your own accord) after waking up and before we had lunch, but didn’t.
And your apology, when it was said, was muffled and therefore unclear. And you obviously didn’t read my body language well (or maybe you did). If you did, you would have seen that I was still unhappy and I hadn’t fully cool down yet. So maybe best not to broach the subject then and there.
You Really Don’t Know What’s What
J, you probably aren’t aware of this.
I’ve tried my best to be cool each time you ignore me, or pushback and argue unreasonably with me. Because you’re my son and I love you.
But there are limits to how patient I can remain. You think you know better and have no need for wise warnings from well-meaning adults in your life if it doesn’t fit into what you think you want.
Your generation has the most fortune in terms of easy access to knowledge and information. Thanks to the Internet and social media (and now AI), which lulls you into thinking you know at least as much if not more than the adults in your life.
I’ve news for you.
You actually don’t.
I on the other hand have lived a long and varied life for 56 years. Varied, not the same old same old that’s repeated many times, like your grandparents’ generation, or even my own peers who typically stay in the same career for most of their lives.
That fact alone should make me at least worthy of some respect and recognition, if nothing else.
But clearly I’m wrong. If your actions are anything to go by.
Even that is beside the point.
What This Is Really About
The real point is that by your actions (or I should say inactions) over this latest incident, you’ve conveyed one and only one message to your dad — That you can dismiss my repeated warnings if they add or create inconvenience and friction to your life.
In other words, your behaviour says to me this:
Dad, I don’t hear you and I don’t see you! You are unimportant.
I wonder if you know how much and how deep you have wounded me this way.
Please pause and re-read this letter as many times as you need in order for you to come to me with a proper apology. If you so choose.
Otherwise, our “cold war” may remain for a while.
Dad
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